overwhelming

we've made it to december. that means it's been a year since this nightmare started and i don't see us waking up anytime soon...

before maddie was a thought - i was never good at remembering dates - times - places - those details seemed insignificant to me, therefore no need to store it. however, since the memories i have of maddie are so few - i try my best to remember EVERY last detail of my pregnancy with her.

so on december 8, 2008 - justin and i were so excited to go to st. vincents with our moms in tow to find out what baby hodge would be (another girl to add to the mix or a boy that would steal pop's heart (since my dad is the only male!!)) it was in the ultrasound room that the tech told us our baby was too small to identify the gender - IMPOSSIBLE- can't be. the emotions, fears, and sadness was just beginning to well up in my heart. that appointment, was the first time we met dr. bill (bill hudson) who would later become one of the doctors we highly respected. next, on december 23 we went to the complications clinic at UAB for the first time - and met with dr. brumfield who did our level 2 ultrasound and told us that indeed our baby was small but she had no physical abnormalities that showed up on the ultrasound - AHHHH - that was music to my ears...her recommendation was blood work (since we refused the amnio at that time) so they took all the blood in my left arm (or so it felt) and the wait began.

i remember going to my mamaw's house on Christmas eve and seeing all my beautiful cousins (that i only get to see once a year, it seems) and talking to them about the sweet baby girl that i carried... everyone gave me their encouragement and prayers and i honestly thought - the bad dream was ending and God was coming to save the day - the way i desperately wanted him to.

i know all this is 'old' news and i've posted about it before - but it just seems so strange to be laying here in bed with only justin - no sweet little girl for me to love on and no one that i have to share justin's attention with...

grief - there is no nice way to put that emotion. according to mr. webster:

grief- –noun
1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

mental suffering or distress - sharp sorrow - that's a start as to how i would describe it - i guess...

as it does when you experience anything catastrophic or life altering - there are times when feelings or emotions will come welling up inside you out of the clear blue - and when its grief it can hit you without warning like a ton of bricks...

i've been trying to suppress the feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, and depression. i mean let's be real, who wants a 'debbie downer' around at the holidays??? however, in recent days (week) i've not been able to control my emotions. i can be driving down the road, watching a Christmas commercial, or watching a school Christmas play and immediately become sad and ambushed with my nemesis, grief. justin and i were watching our church's Christmas musical and there was a girl in the youth choir who had some mental disabilities - but there wasn't another member up on stage that was happier to be singing to Jesus than she was! i leaned over and told justin that's what i picture maddie looking like - because with her diagnosis - severe mental retardation was a given - so immediately, with the mention of her name i start crying...

grief is an emotion that i can't describe - its a feeling unlike any other - for me its a burning, physically painful feeling in my stomach that wells up and makes me feel like dying. (not like a suicidal thing, i promise) that burning feeling segways into tears and anger - which lead to depression and loneliness... - isn't that a beautiful thought....

sadly we are nearly 12 months away from the date that we found out maddie's diagnosis and we are only a mere 2 months away from her first 'angelversary'....i'm still stuck in this nightmare. i'm still thinking- that God will wake me up at any moment and say "GOT YA"...but my reality is it's not a nightmare and He's got no need to wake me up...this is the plan God has for me and justin and as much as we don't like it we'll accept it and learn to live again.

so during this holiday season - during christmas -when you're with your families and friends and when you're with your sons and daughters watching them open presents and play and laugh - remember those of us who are loving our babies from afar. remember those of us who only wish we were celebrating in Heaven with our children at the feet of Jesus - don't you know they're attending the coolest birthday party EVER!!

this Christmas was supposed to be like none other - justin and i were supposed to send out a new "family photo" in the card, we were supposed to add a third stocking on our mantel, we were going to have to be santa for the first of many years......

actually this christmas is like none other - we are taking a family photo - with one less, and instead of adding a stocking we are putting up a small Christmas tree at the cemetery so maddie's marker will be festive - and instead of playing santa for our own child we are playing santa for other children.

sorry for the extra long post - and the rambling that i'm sure occurred ....
i'm hurting bad and praying the pain subsides, if even just for a little while...
so when you're saying your prayers include an extra one for me -

maddox elise- mom loves you more than words can say - not a day has passed when i haven't pictured your sweet face and thought about what you would be doing...enjoy this Christmas in heaven - mommy is jealous- tell Jesus "happy birthday" and be good at the party!!! i love you forever and will see you one day soon....