beauty will rise

christmas continued...

2011-01-31T19:02:00.000-08:00

hudson at mimi and pop's
justin, me, hudson, cole, jenni, and trevor

hudson's first christmas - and our first WHITE christmas

daddy and hudson hanging out!

christmas is the MOST wonderful time of the year

2011-01-31T18:19:00.000-08:00

this year's christmas was new and different. this year wasn't about the presents - it was all about family and spending quality time with our loved ones and showing each other that we love each other. having hudson here put a new spin on how we approached christmas. we spent time as a family reading the true christmas story and thinking about maddie and praying for those less fortunate. we missed maddie like crazy (like we always do), but we have been blessed to now be able to celebrate with hudson.

we spent christmas eve at mamaw's and papa's house for the annual maddox family christmas party and then we went to justin's mamaw's house. we spent the night with mimi and pop and santa clause came there - then we went to nina and papa's house to continue the celebrations!

christmas is the best time of year - because not only does it lend itself to spending more time with family and friends- it's a constant reminder that God loves me and that He masterfully planned the birth of his son to a virgin and He put all those plans into action because He wanted to save me (and you too!)....Thank you Jesus for your love and salvation. thank you for justin, maddox elise, and hudson - my family means so much to me.....

labor day

2010-11-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

hudson's due date was october 8, 2010 - which in my mind was never going to arrive. i started my weekly appointments the first week in september and dr. bill (one of the best doctors ever) was set on making me wait it out and when i reached 39 weeks - we'd schedule a day to induce- that was not what i had in mind. around the same time that my weekly visits started my blood pressure also started going nuts. i've always had great blood pressure - throughout my entire pregnancy with maddie and the whole time with hudson. however, for some reason this year my bp decided to rise and cause concern. i thought - maybe, just maybe my bp will be high enough to warrant an induction - but nope, no such luck with that either. i had gone to my appointment on monday, september 20th and dr. bill told me for the 2nd week in a row that i was still dilated to 1cm and that hudson still seemed high....he again told me to wait one more week and when i came back the following week we'd schedule hudson's birthday. (side note: dr bill's plan was to be able to go to disney world with his family and then come back and schedule the induction so he could be there - since he's hudson's namesake and all!) so monday (9/20) i go home and, yeah, i'm bummed - but justin and i have a good night and i get the house straightened and i even get dinner prepared to put in th crock pot tuesday morning- man, i was on it! while attempting to sleep (which, by this time was nearly impossible), i sat straight up in bed at 4am with a horrible pain radiating from my back around to my left side - it was so bad, i think i screamed out and scared justin! it eventually subsided and i was able to lay back down. i got up at my alarm and got ready for work - all morning i had this sharp consistent pain on my left side that wouldn't quit. started my day at work, which was beginning to spiral downhill.....after my sweet co-workers asking about my appointment the previous today- i mentioned the back pain and everyone seemed real concerned about it....not me - i knew if i went to the dr they would just send me home on bedrest - and i didn't have time for bedrest! so my co-workers made me promise that if the pains had not subsided by 10 that i would call my dr's office (cause my dr was en route to disney!) and see what they said. well i didn't wait til 10 - i left out of my 2nd period and called the dr and they suggested that i come in. after calling a parent to cancel a meeting, cleaning my desk, making sure work is left for my students, i leave. i told my co-workers that i didn't need a driver, i would be fine....YEAH RIGHT...i got 5 miles from the school and the pain intensified - and stayed at a 8.5-9 (on a 1-10 scale) the whole time. i called lori (my smart, beautiful, older, and NERVOUS sister) - she freaked out when she found out i was driving myself and offered to call an ambulance to pick me up from somewhere! she did, however, call st. vincents and warned them of my arrival and had someone meet me at the door!

- oh, while i was preparing to leave work - i couldn't get in touch with my husband. i called him 3 times and texted him several times- he wasn't answering! this was my nightmare! finally as i was driving to the hospital, he called and quickly left work to meet me at the hospital. -

once, we got in the exam room, which was immediately, a doctor came in to examine me and said that i was nearly 3 cm dilated and having some contractions! she told us to go down and be monitored for a few hours to see if i progressed any further. so off we go - getting wheeled down a couple of floors. once we got into a room, a real L&D room, the nurse says - 'ok, change into this gown and we'll get ready to start your IV'.....*confused look* "um, i'm just being monitored, right????" nurse: ' oh, no! the doctor's coming down to break your water. today is baby day!'.....justin and i just stared at each other in disbelief, before we finally snapped out of it and realized we had family to inform!!!

long story - somewhat short- they broke my water and we waited, waited and waited some more...after about 6-7 hours i had not progressed past 4 or 5 cm - so dr. woods suggested that we go forward with a c-section and that we did......i got prepped and drugged and sent in for a c-section and sweet baby hudson was born at 8:02pm!

that's how baby hudson came into the world - not too exciting, sorry! he did have quite a welcoming committee - mommy, daddy, mimi, pop, nina, papa, uncle cole, jenni, great aunt kristi, great great aunt deborah, aunt erin, and uncle josh......i think that's all, if i forgot someone then i apologize - it was a long tiring day!

WELCOME to the WORLD baby HUDSON!!!!

introducing our newest miracle

2010-10-22T10:23:00.001-07:00

he's here (and has been for about a month now!) james hudson hodge was born at 8:02pm on Tuesday September 21, 2010 (coincidentally - my niece's, anna kate's, birthday too). he weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and was 19.5 inches long. he is absolutely beautiful and we couldn't feel more blessed. justin and i are madly in love with each other and him and it feels great! more details about how he arrived later....but now, more importantly - pictures!

hudson's baby shower

2010-10-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

on sunday, august 15th (yes, the day after the race) a big group of my friends and family put together a beautiful baby shower to help us celebrate the arrival of james hudson hodge! erin, marianne, kat, kathy, debra, eleanor, mrs. tommie lou, becky, ashley, julia, april, lori, lacy and many others did a fantastic job with EVERYTHING. the food was wonderful the decor was beautiful, and i was very overwhelmed with everyone's generosity and love....here are some pictures from our shower!!! to all who helped - it was the perfect baby shower and i am so blessed to have friends and family like you - thank you for all your hard work- i will always remember your kindness!!!

2nd annual baby steps

2010-10-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

on august 14, 2010 we had the 2nd annual baby steps 5k memorial run - in memory of braden and brody nicholas and maddox elise hodge and countless other angels that were taken too soon. if you'll remember last year, we did great for our first year- having over 300 people race and donating $9,000 to the amelia center (grief counseling center)...this year, it was a slow start as far as registrants go - but abby and i were positive that the event would be a success and boy was it. God was definitely at work in this event and despite the rain - we had a tremendous turn out!!! oh yeah, i forgot to mention the rain...it was, shall we say- less than desirable! it started raining around 7:30 that morning and it RAINED, RAINED, and RAINED some more! however, that didn't stop over 500 people from coming out and participating in the event (approximately 100 of those participants registered THAT MORNING - in the rain!!!) we had some slight bumps and hang ups, but overall the event was another HUGE success and this year we were able to give $12,000 to the amelia center!! we greatly appreciate all the families and people who came out and supported us this year - we just pray that our event helps other families who have lost children and that they know they aren't alone...i thank God for the success of the event and for the new friends we've made as a result of the 5k! enjoy the pictures below!!!

all the race bags - waiting to be picked up!!!

i was very pregnant and very wet!!!

we did a balloon release in memory of all the sweet babies!

long overdue

2010-08-26T06:53:00.001-07:00

sorry - if anyone is reading (other than mom), that i haven't posted anything in what seems to be forever....this summer was very eventful/busy in the hodge household.

for starter's i was interviewing for a new job all summer (which luckily God blessed me with a good one after just a few interviews!), and i was completing my master's degree in special education - taking 4 online classes - NO FUN, and we were planning for the 2nd annual baby steps memorial run, and preparing for maddie's little brother's arrival....more updates to come soon, i promise!

just to start - it's been 1 year, 6 months, and 1 week since my precious maddox elise entered into heaven - perfect and whole and since that time she's been sitting next to the Father's side - praising Him and receiving love directly from her creator - HOW AMAZING....

i miss her - plain and simple. some days are worse than others, but today - in particular, she is heavy on my heart - and i know that she's happy and content, but her mom misses her. i'm so grateful to God for allowing me to see that precious angel - but i'm even more grateful to Him that he chose to heal her so quickly - she never had to suffer, cry, or feel any ounce of pain and for that, Jesus, i am extremely grateful...

maddie - as we prepare for your little brother - we take time often to think about you and who you would've been - we've gone through your things - really things we keep more for our sake than yours, but daddy and i hurt knowing that you won't be able to welcome hudson home with us. we know you are perfectly happy in heaven and we're thankful for that. sweet angel, just know that mommy and daddy love you so much and we are looking forward to the day when our family can be together - sitting at the feet of Jesus...

dear Lord - today is an emotional day for me. it's a day where i think about maddie more than normal and my heart is heavy because of her absence. Father - i am so thankful for the many friendships you have sent my way since maddie's death and i'm so thankful for the impact you allowed MY daughter to have on so many people and i thank you for the impact she had on my life. Jesus, thank you for loving on her and making her whole - as her earthly mom - i am eternally grateful you healed her. give me peace, sweet Father. hold me in your arms and help us welcome this new miracle into our lives with love like yours...

that's my king

2010-04-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

this video lasts approximately 6 minutes, but after those 6 minutes you'll be so fired up and excited you'll just want to go tell someone about your KING!

i hope you enjoy it - we saw it at church a few weeks ago and it's been playing in my mind since. this is s m lockridge telling you about his KING!

**don't forget to pause the music at the bottom so you can hear it!**

message from above...

2010-04-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

yep - that's it. miss maddie is going to be a big sister. while we wish maddie could join us when we welcome this new blessing, we know that she's watching us and enjoying her 'skybox' view!

baby hodge #2 is scheduled to arrive on october 8th 2010. i am almost 17 weeks along and we will find out the sex of this miracle in 3 days!

please join us in praying for health and development for "baby jj" (inside nickname!) our tests thus far have all come back "normal" our next and hopefully last test will be this thursday. we know God is in control and that He delights in giving us the desires of our heart.

happy birthday maddox elise!

2010-04-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

here are some pictures from maddie's first angelversary balloon release. february 19th was a beautiful day. we had an old high school friend of mine lyndsey cunningham come and take pictures of us. i'm not a very good subject but the pictures turned out great (just ignore my big ole' self!) - - thanks again lyndsey - we know this was an odd request, but we love the pictures! here is lyndsey's photography blog if you're interested! http://lyndseycunninghamphotography.blogspot.com/

maddox elise hodge

jonathan f.

hannah s

braden lee and brody lee n

levi h

erin michelle m

ella m

where my precious daughter is laid to rest.

her soul, however, is ALIVE and with Jesus

maddie and all her angel friends! : )

beauty will rise

2010-04-23T09:04:00.001-07:00

the new title of the blog comes from a steven curtis chapman (SCC) cd. it's his newest cd actually. if you don't know him - he's a famous christian artist who has 6 kids (i think) one of which died may 2009 after she was hit by the family car. it was a truly devastating event. their oldest son had just graduated from high school and they were leaving the house when one of the sons backed out of the driveway and didn't see the young girl. the 3 oldest chapman kids are biologically theirs and the 3 younger children were all adopted from china. so after maria, the youngest daughter, died SCC wrote many new songs to describe how he felt and how God had worked through the tragedy.

for someone who hasn't experienced the loss of a child or gone through a tragedy, this cd may not seem as good to you, but to me it brings hope. one of the songs is called 'beauty will rise'. the song starts out with SCC remembering the day that maria was killed and the pain and hurt that he went through in the weeks after.

here's the chorus

"out of these ashes beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins

we will see it with our own eyes

out of these ashes beauty will rise

for we know that joy is coming in the morning, in the morning,

beauty will rise"

here's verse 2

"so take another breath for now and

let the tears come washing down

if you can't believe i will believe for you

cause i have seen the signs of spring"

just watch and see"

this song affirms everything i've prayed for since maddie's death. God has great plans for us and promises us that "spring is coming". if you are a believer then you have to have hope that no matter how bad things get that God has a plan and HE PROMISES that SPRING is COMING...

i love that and this year SPRING means so much more to me than warm weather, sunny days, and pretty flowers. this year is symbolizes the new life that is ALL AROUND and i love sitting back and looking at the new things God is creating... breathtaking!

happy birthday baby

2010-04-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

it's been a while - but since my last post - maddie's first birthday has come and gone. february 19 2009 - is a day i'll always remember. maddie was born at 1:20p.m. that was when justin and i became parents, mom and dad, for the first time. this year justin and i both took the day off work just so we could spend the day remembering our girl.

i'll post more about her birthday later- we had some pictures made and sent up some balloons for maddie and all of her other angel friends. justin and i have been immensely blessed this past year and although the road was hard we've made it through and God has taught us new things about ourselves, our marriage, and our faith.

as much as i hate to hear - 'i told you so' - i sure deserve it....at the beginning of this nightmare i remember talking to some women and some professionals who told me that - although i couldn't see it now - things would get better, my days would get easier, and i would survive and make it through. i never could have imagined that the things i was hearing were true...

it's now been nearly 14 months since maddie was born and although i still live with a hole that can't be filled - i can still live. things will always be hard and she'll always be missed, but God has promised me that he has hope, plans, and a future for me. my life didn't stop when maddie died - it surely changed, but i've learned so much about God's promises for my life.

so, if you're going through something that you think will never end, just know that the pain will ease (not cease) and the tears will slow, and the memories will stay strong forever, but that there will be a day when you can truly smile again and honestly say that you are happy!

i promise there will be more to come about maddie's angelversary and what's been happening since february!

reliving new years 09

2010-01-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

new year's came a lot quieter than it did last year. my new year, last year, started out with the WORST possible news....you're baby's condition is fatal and the prognosis is VERY poor, you'll likely spontaneously miscarry - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

continuing to retell my story it picks up on decemeber 29th. that was a monday and i remember it so easily because on sunday december 28th, 2009 - justin and i officially joined our church - first baptist church of trussville. i was sitting at home waiting for my mom, my sister, lori, and her two girls to come over and visit me!! while waiting i got a phone call from the nurse at UAB - she proceeded to tell me in the nicest way possible that my blood work came back 'abnormal' and i needed to come in ASAP for further testing. being panicked by the idea that something could potentially be wrong with my child - i hung up and immediately freaked out. i was crying hysterically when my mom and lori got there - since i didn't really know what was wrong - they were able to get me calm enough to call the nurse back and ask her what the results were of the blood work. she told me that my 'quad screen was positive for trisomy 18'....UM, I'M SORRY - I DON'T UNDERSTAND....WHAT IS THAT??? as i listened to the sorrow in this woman's voice my heart sank further. i hung up, called justin, and then did the worst thing ever - i googled it... the internet is a fascinatingly helpful resource, however it can cause laymen to think themselves doctors where they diagnosis and outcomes. needless to say, the 'all wise internet' said that indeed, trisomy 18 was incompatible with life and that IF maddie made it full term she likely wouldn't live much longer. i was FLOORED. this was not what i ordered, i did not ask for my baby to be 'sick' and die, um no - that must have been someone else. i wanted a healthy baby that had fat cheeks and fat thighs, that i could teach to be funny like me! ; ) (God, however, must have thought that the world had too much "loni humor" already!)

the very next day - that would be dec 30th (tuesday) my mom, dad, justin and myself made our way to the UAB complications clinic yet again to get further clarification on the "abnormality". we first met with christina barger, one of the genetic counselors, and she proceeded to explain to us what trisomy 18 was and how it happens (which it can occur numerous ways), and the prognosis of babies with t-18. sitting there trying to take it all in was unlike anything i had ever experienced. watching justin and mom and dad try to make sense of it all - hurt too. my daddy - smart man, but not by the world's standards - high school graduate and a coal miner - however, by my standards it makes my daddy one of the smartest, most knowledgeable men in the world. i'm the youngest by the way, the youngest of 3, but i'm his favorite (sorry lori and lacy, its true!!!) anyway, daddy sat there and asked christina "okay, so we do more testing today to confirm the diagnosis, and lets say it does come back 100% for trisomy 18, then what do we do?" (basically, he was wanting to know what treatment maddie or myself needed, where did he need to take me, what were the next steps). christina looked and him and said "i'm sorry, there is nothing more we can do. we wait and whenever the baby is born she'll likely only live a short time." it was like someone punched him in the face - he just rubbed his face and didn't say much more. i know that if she would have told him, "ok, mr. lamons, there's this new medicine in Australia that can fix this problem", daddy would have drained his savings to send me there to get that medicine, but there wasn't any magic cure...

we left christina's office and went for an amniocentesis and i SERIOUSLY doubt if i'll EVER endure that again - NO THANK YOU. the needle is about a foot long and about as thick as a pencil maybe a little smaller...they do an ultrasound to determine the position/location of the baby and then they stick you with the MEGA NEEDLE. (oh yeah, no numbing medicine either...) so they find maddie and then dr. tita begins to insert the needle. first through the skin - OUCH - not so pleasant, but wait for it - AH, now through the uterus - YEP - - HOLLLLLLYYYYY COOOWWWW - started having contractions. dr tita a foreigner with a heavy accent (middle eastern) says "ok mrs hodge you need to relax, relax your back. you can't tense up" HA easy for you doc- you're not having contractions with a knitting needle sticking out of your belly.....well clearly, maddie and i could communicate on a much deeper level and she understood her mommy was in PAIN - so she started kicking at the needle. immediately the doctor said we have to pull out cause she's getting too close and could hurt herself..so pull out is what he did - WITH NO FLUID.... yep they went back in a SECOND time - this time i had justin holding my hand and one of the techs pushing my belly up to keep maddie away....in through the skin, then through the uterus - UGGGHHHHH - then about 10 minutes later the doctor FINALLY has enough fluid to be done. NEVER AGAIN...I MEAN IT. after the pain and tears and making sure justin didn't pass out- the doctor explained that they would run a "rapid fish test" on the fluid to test the 13th, 15th, 18th, 21st, and the sex chromosomes. this would give us a definitive answer on the trisomy 18 - then the full panel of chromosomes would be completed in about 2 weeks.

the next day - new year's eve - justin had gone in to work, i was still at home (winter break) and one of my dear friends, toni, showed up at my house. she's one of my deaf coworkers, whom i adore!! she showed up and told me that i didn't need to be alone - so she came to keep me company. we went to eat at subway and just talked - all the while i was waiting for the phone call. we came back home and were watching tv when the phone rang - it was around 1:00p.m. i told her when i saw the number that it was UAB - she immediately put her head down and started praying. it was christina again on the phone. she said that the fish test came back and it was NOT trisomy 18- Praise the LORD - it was worse...WAIT- WORSE - UM NO, NOT HAPPENING. She said that according to the fish test all the chromosomes they tested had an extra - so that meant there were 3- 13's, 3- 15's, 3-18's, 3-21's, and 3 - X chromosomes... she continued to tell me that this was called Triploidy and instead of having 46 chromosomes, maddie had 69 and that the prognosis for this syndrome was "incompatible with life outside the womb" - i've come to hate that phrase! basically, she told me that i would probably miscarry at some time in the near future and that i would need to come back and see the doctor to figure out a game plan.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO US - what a way to end '08 and start '09...

dear justin and loni -

you're daughter is going to die.

happy new year
sincerely-
UAB

2009

2010-01-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

may sound cliche' but where did 2009 go? i remember exactly what all went on the last week of 2008 and the events that happened the first two months of 09 and now it's 2010.

in my last post - i wrote about going to UAB for the first time and how all that felt...since that last post - justin and i experienced our first Christmas as "mommy and daddy" - except for it wasn't how we quite had planned.

every year on Christmas eve - we go to my mamaw and papa maddox's house with my mom and her four brothers and their families and all the new spouses - all in all about 40 people. driving to the party justin and i were a little down and out - because we had planned on dressing maddie up in a sweet little dress and her being the NEW addition to our family party - but she wasn't with us.

i couldn't hold back the tears - as soon as i arrived i started crying - then every time someone asked me "how are you?" i cried some more. it was just too much for me to handle. luckily, the crying subsided and the party went fairly quickly - and we got to leave.

when we left we drove to athens to spend the night at lacy and jeb's with lori and brannon and all 4 girls! we were able to assist being santa this year for our nieces, but it wasn't quite the same.

all in all, we had a rather good Christmas considering the circumstances -

maddie - mommy and daddy missed you more than words could say. we know you've been celebrating since the day you arrived in heaven. i'm sure that everyday is Christmas there. one day the three of us will be together again - but until then know that we think of you daily and we carry you with us in our hearts! sending all our love to you in heaven! - mommy

overwhelming

2009-12-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

we've made it to december. that means it's been a year since this nightmare started and i don't see us waking up anytime soon...

before maddie was a thought - i was never good at remembering dates - times - places - those details seemed insignificant to me, therefore no need to store it. however, since the memories i have of maddie are so few - i try my best to remember EVERY last detail of my pregnancy with her.

so on december 8, 2008 - justin and i were so excited to go to st. vincents with our moms in tow to find out what baby hodge would be (another girl to add to the mix or a boy that would steal pop's heart (since my dad is the only male!!)) it was in the ultrasound room that the tech told us our baby was too small to identify the gender - IMPOSSIBLE- can't be. the emotions, fears, and sadness was just beginning to well up in my heart. that appointment, was the first time we met dr. bill (bill hudson) who would later become one of the doctors we highly respected. next, on december 23 we went to the complications clinic at UAB for the first time - and met with dr. brumfield who did our level 2 ultrasound and told us that indeed our baby was small but she had no physical abnormalities that showed up on the ultrasound - AHHHH - that was music to my ears...her recommendation was blood work (since we refused the amnio at that time) so they took all the blood in my left arm (or so it felt) and the wait began.

i remember going to my mamaw's house on Christmas eve and seeing all my beautiful cousins (that i only get to see once a year, it seems) and talking to them about the sweet baby girl that i carried... everyone gave me their encouragement and prayers and i honestly thought - the bad dream was ending and God was coming to save the day - the way i desperately wanted him to.

i know all this is 'old' news and i've posted about it before - but it just seems so strange to be laying here in bed with only justin - no sweet little girl for me to love on and no one that i have to share justin's attention with...

grief - there is no nice way to put that emotion. according to mr. webster:

grief- –noun
1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

mental suffering or distress - sharp sorrow - that's a start as to how i would describe it - i guess...

as it does when you experience anything catastrophic or life altering - there are times when feelings or emotions will come welling up inside you out of the clear blue - and when its grief it can hit you without warning like a ton of bricks...

i've been trying to suppress the feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, and depression. i mean let's be real, who wants a 'debbie downer' around at the holidays??? however, in recent days (week) i've not been able to control my emotions. i can be driving down the road, watching a Christmas commercial, or watching a school Christmas play and immediately become sad and ambushed with my nemesis, grief. justin and i were watching our church's Christmas musical and there was a girl in the youth choir who had some mental disabilities - but there wasn't another member up on stage that was happier to be singing to Jesus than she was! i leaned over and told justin that's what i picture maddie looking like - because with her diagnosis - severe mental retardation was a given - so immediately, with the mention of her name i start crying...

grief is an emotion that i can't describe - its a feeling unlike any other - for me its a burning, physically painful feeling in my stomach that wells up and makes me feel like dying. (not like a suicidal thing, i promise) that burning feeling segways into tears and anger - which lead to depression and loneliness... - isn't that a beautiful thought....

sadly we are nearly 12 months away from the date that we found out maddie's diagnosis and we are only a mere 2 months away from her first 'angelversary'....i'm still stuck in this nightmare. i'm still thinking- that God will wake me up at any moment and say "GOT YA"...but my reality is it's not a nightmare and He's got no need to wake me up...this is the plan God has for me and justin and as much as we don't like it we'll accept it and learn to live again.

so during this holiday season - during christmas -when you're with your families and friends and when you're with your sons and daughters watching them open presents and play and laugh - remember those of us who are loving our babies from afar. remember those of us who only wish we were celebrating in Heaven with our children at the feet of Jesus - don't you know they're attending the coolest birthday party EVER!!

this Christmas was supposed to be like none other - justin and i were supposed to send out a new "family photo" in the card, we were supposed to add a third stocking on our mantel, we were going to have to be santa for the first of many years......

actually this christmas is like none other - we are taking a family photo - with one less, and instead of adding a stocking we are putting up a small Christmas tree at the cemetery so maddie's marker will be festive - and instead of playing santa for our own child we are playing santa for other children.

sorry for the extra long post - and the rambling that i'm sure occurred ....
i'm hurting bad and praying the pain subsides, if even just for a little while...
so when you're saying your prayers include an extra one for me -

maddox elise- mom loves you more than words can say - not a day has passed when i haven't pictured your sweet face and thought about what you would be doing...enjoy this Christmas in heaven - mommy is jealous- tell Jesus "happy birthday" and be good at the party!!! i love you forever and will see you one day soon....

help - - anyone????

2009-12-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

just a quick post. more to ask a question than to really talk about 'what's new in loni's world'!

all of you moms who have gone through the struggle of ttc - have any of you charted your bbt? if so, any suggestions? is it a big difference i am looking for or just a tenth of a point?? i'm new to this, but just thought i'd try something different.

i gladly welcome any suggestions or tips!

you can post on here or e-mail me at lonihodge23@gmail.com

also- while i'm here - -

i've recently been in contact with two moms - who are going through tough times in their pregnancies - being that they, too, have received the "your baby's condition is incompatible with life" spiel...

please join me in praying for brandon and stephanie hayes and their sweet girl - shelby grace - shelby grace was diagnosed with triploidy (same as maddie) - currently i think stephanie is 31 weeks??? anyway, she's due feb. 10th so she's made it really far!

next - is jenn - i don't know her last name but i know her daughter's name is josie kate - and josie has been diagnosed with trisomy 13 - she's due in Jan, i think - she's in her last trimester, i know... please keep these women and their babies and families in your prayers....

count your many blessings

2009-11-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

this year thanksgiving means a lot more to me - not really sure why. i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm fully aware that loved ones can be gone in a flash and so can your dreams - so it's important to be thankful everyday for what blessings you do have.

there is an old hymn "count your blessings" - if you've never heard it the chorus goes like this

"count your many blessings

name them one by one

count your many blessings

see what God hath done"

have you ever really sat down and counted your blessings ONE by ONE??? well, neither have i, until now... so be patient, i have A LOT to be thankful for...

God - my Savior and best friend - who loves me unconditionally
justin, my wonderful, loving, supportive husband and other best friend!
maddox elise - my beautiful angel baby - who taught me how to love deeper and trust God. without this little girl, my life is incomplete, but because i knew her, i have all i've ever wanted
my mom and dad, who give me endless love and support and raised me to love God
lori - a.k.a. mom #2 - (j/k) the best big sister who drives me crazy like none other, but thats why i love her
lacy - crazy middle sister who can "spit out a rhyme" at the drop of a hat and makes the best 'chicken n' niggies' (hahaha - you'll have to ask her!)
jennifer and doug (my in-laws) for providing me with a wonderful husband and love from another family
brannon and jeb - brother in laws that gave me beautiful nieces and who take care of my sisters everyday
emma, ella, ava, anna kate - 4 of the most precious little girls on earth - i love being their noni and they always make me smile
mawmaw and papa - who teach me so much about life and food
nana lamons - who frustrates me but has loved me all my life
nana owens and mawmaw hodge - helping raise justin
cole and trevor - justin's brothers - who are so very unique
all my wonderful friends who pray for me, encourage me, lift me up, make me laugh, and let me cry my life wouldn't be the same without you

erin p
marianne d
lauren g
brittney a
susan f
abby n
rebecca h
bree m
kat d
jennifer s
stacey b
brina h
ashley m
leslie b
amanda w
kellie a
toni d
dee j
katie m
christa w
stephanie p
april t
lynn d
stacey g.

my wonderfully comfortable home and the vehicles that provide transportation
my cat sketch - who makes me laugh and keeps me company when i'm sad
my dr, bill hudson, who calms my nerves and assures me i'm not crazy
my job - with that i can provide for my family
my church - where i can learn more about the God that loves me, worship my heart out, and fellowship with like-minded people!
baby steps/amelia center - that we can remember the babies that we love and the a.c. because its a place where i don't feel judged
crossfit- KICKBOXING - a way to get my anger/frustration out - therapy
the opportunity i have to go back to school

as you can see - naming my blessings one by one takes some time and i'm sure i've forgotten someone or something - but just know that i am blessed beyond what i deserve - i love my life, i miss my daughter, and i praise Jesus who has given this all to me.

i hope this thanksgiving you take time to remember what all you are thankful for and take time to tell those you love, just how much they mean to you!

happy thanksgiving to all!!!!

let's get ready to rumble...

2009-11-11T12:19:00.000-08:00

yep - boxing, well technically the class is called 'kickboxing' but either way IT IS A-MAZING. thankfully, i've become friends with an old college classmate who has introduced me to the awesomeness that is kickboxing. lauren and i both graduated from the same department at montevallo. even though we're the same age and finished high school at the same time, she graduated from UM the year before i did - that's what changing your major 3 times will do to you, it'll make you stay in college for 5 years!!! :) anyway - at UM i really didn't know anything about lauren and we didn't talk. luckily, we've recently started talking and found out that we have way more in common than we thought! lauren and her husband, jake, have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years with no luck. jake is a fireman but he also owns part of, CrossFit, a gym that trains people for MMA (mixed martial arts) and stuff like that, well one of the instructors, chris, teaches a women only class of kickboxing and luckily lauren has agreed to be my partner and i don't know about her, but i have a BALL...every time i go i am able to unload so much pain and frustration through my arms and legs - it is very therapeutic. justin enjoys me going too, because when i go i'm less likely to take my frustrations out on him... : )

lauren - thank you for listening to me whine and complain, thank you for motivating me to work harder, and for being such an awesome new and encouraging friend...

here's a passage for us, lauren -
James 1:2-5
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

i'm praying for you daily -

oh and by the way, if you were wondering - those are really what my gloves look like!!! :)

that's what friends are for...

2009-11-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

that's what i've been hearing a lot lately - "that's what friends are for..." and boy am i glad i have such great friends. friends that are full of love, support, and encouraging words.

it's sad that when you experience a real tragedy in your life you find out who your REAL friends are. its sad that not only do you have to experience the pain of the tragedy, but you have to suffer the loss of dear relationships in the process. i know that tragedies are NO fun and sometimes uncomfortable, but that is even more of a reason to step up and show support, because i'd be willing to bet that as uncomfortable as you (the friend) feel, the person who's living the tragedy feels worse.

anyway - enough about that, i'm just happy to say that God has blessed me with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. these people continue to be here for me nearly 9 months after the death of maddie - not just old friends but wonderful new friends that i've met since this horrible chapter started have continued to show support with prayers, visits, texts, emails, and hugs... it brightens my day when friends at work come by or ask to see you just so they can give you a hug...(those make my day) or friends shoot an email just to say "hey i'm thinking about you" so, again, thank you to all my friends new and old - i wouldn't be able to live without you. thank you for sharing maddie with me and rejoicing when i rejoice and crying when i cry. thank you for understanding that she's always in my heart and sometimes i just need to say her name or yell out in anger or hang my head and cry.

and if anyone is interested in tips on being a good friend - here's my 2 cents - take it for what it's worth. if you have a friend or even an acquaintance that is experiencing a tragedy or just a rough patch in their lives (loss, divorce, stress, unemployment, etc) - here are some things you can do to help -

call/write/text/visit- just to say "hi, how are you"
offer your services - dinner, errands, even your company
let them know you love them - cause they may feel really lonely
don't say too much, cause you don't want to say the 'wrong' thing
let them cry on your shoulder
let them yell at you - to get their anger/stress out

but the best most important thing you can do -

just be there - you don't have to have the right words - just be honest "i don't know what to say, but just know i'm here for you" - TO me THAT means the MOST!

MIA (missing in action)

2009-11-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

there was quite a while between posts on my blog. for that i apologize - i'm sure not many people noticed, except my mom!!

there really hasn't been anything to update other than the race. lets see since july 29, i started back to work. this year is going...every year there are problems and frustrations, but like my dad used to tell me "you'll find something you don't like about every job." i won't be negative nelly - there have been some positive changes this year so for that i am thankful. being that it's november now - my year has gone by fairly quickly - only 12 days until thanksgiving break, then 15 more and it'll be christmas break. praise the Lord!!

we've celebrated a LOT of birthdays - for the maddox/lamons families there are a ton of birthdays in the month of august....SO happy belated birthday to mom, brannon, uncle rick, brandye, lori, ava, emma, papa maddox, and happy belated anniversary to mom and dad! i probably forgot some people...i'm telling you we're busy the month of august...lacy and anna kate have birthdays in september and ella reid's birthday is in october!

other than that nothing else has been going on...really NOTHING. we've been ttc for 6 months now with no luck. that's frustrating. so when i say nothing has been happening i mean it.

meanwhile, i've found out several friends have had babies or found out they were expecting. i'm happy for them, i truly am, but its a constant reminder that our baby died and we didn't have a happy ending. grrrrrrrrrrrr what a vicious cycle.

okay - i guess that's enough for now...
keep praying for us....

and the final amount is...

2009-11-02T19:20:00.001-08:00

through the first annual baby steps 5k memorial run we raised $9,000 for the amelia center! we were floored when we got the final amount and i think the amelia center was too! this picture is from our check presentation - we were all so proud.

that is andy mcneil with abby and me in the picture - he is the director at the amelia center. he gave us a couple of options for our donation and this is what we chose.

we decided to donate the funds into "Remembrance Funds" for braden, brody and maddox elise. this is something new that the amelia center is doing -

here's what their website says about the new opportunity -
"A Remembrance Fund, bearing the name of a family member or friend, can be established to provide annual support to The Amelia Center by making a memorial gift of $500.00 or more. This can be made as an individual memorial donation or a combined memorial donation by you, family members and friends. Once a Remembrance Fund is established, friends and family can make contributions throughout the year to support the fund. The Amelia Center will send annual updates to those supporting the fund regarding opportunities to contribute. At the end of each year, a portion of the Remembrance Fund will be used to support Amelia Center program costs, the remainder of the fund will be sustained to build upon for the next year. Remembrance Funds will be acknowledged in the Tears to Hope newsletter and by letter to family members and friends at your request. In addition, each fund will be recognized on the “We Remember Them…” wall in The Amelia Center lobby."

through these funds the amelia center can decide if they want to use part or all of the race donation before the end of the year. if they just use part then that allows them to carry over the remaining funds to the next year.

maddie's plaque will hang proudly in the lobby of the amelia center and her fund is open for donations year round. i'm very proud that our little girl is going help so many who go to the amelia center for help...

baby steps 5k 2009

2009-11-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

the first annual baby steps 5k is now in the books! what an amazing day it was - just a quick run down, we had 388 registered participants, over 40 volunteers, and we raised a TON of money for the amelia center.

the day was beautiful and we couldn't have asked for nicer weather. hundreds of people came out with their families and it was such a nice day of rememberance.

braden, brody, and maddox sure left some big marks on this world. through their short sweet lives we were motivated to reach out to other moms and do something good. not only were our three angels represented at the race - several other angels were remembered too - erin, amelia, jonathan, levi, ella, hannah barrett,and many more!!

to our volunteers and donors - we couldn't have done it without you. all your help and support was priceless. thank you seems so inadequate - please know that your time and money helped make this race a success...

abby - it's long overdue, but THANK YOU...thank you for putting up with me through the planning..it was hard and stressful, but i'm glad you were there to help me! i couldn't have done it without you and i definitely wouldn't have wanted to - you ROCK! i can't wait for the 2nd annual race - i wonder how much we'll raise then?!?!?!

maddie - you were momma's motivation for this race - without you we wouldn't have been able to help so many people. i love you always and miss you daily...

baby steps 5k 2009

2009-11-02T18:47:00.000-08:00

baby steps 5k 2009

2009-11-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

baby steps 5k 2009

2009-11-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

a little encouragement

2009-07-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

James 1:2-4
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

summer 2009

2009-07-27T19:02:00.001-07:00

i'm sad to say that my summer is coming to a close. i only have 4 more days of 6 more days of "doing nothing" before i have to start waking up EARLY and going to work...again, i'll say this SUMMER has FLOWN BY...

a lot has changed at work, so i'm anxious to see how it all plays out! change is inevitable in life, but its all in the way you approach it, to whether it works out good or bad. so i'm going to approach this as something that is positive and hopeful and pray that 09-10 is the best year yet!

its my opinion that your outlook on life is controlled by your attitude. your attitude is something that ONLY YOU have control over. some people go through tragedies and choose to have rotten attitudes for the duration. even the worst situations can have a happy ending if you CHOOSE to find the positive side of the situation, the silver lining, if you will! : )

i've had to learn to "change" my attitude recently - things happen and i want to SNAP at people or get ill and pout, but i've been trying to do better and think - is this really worth me getting 'ticked' about and what's something good about this situation. i'll give you an example - justin, my loving husband...we've always gotten along and have never really fought - that is until we lost maddie....immediately after we were closer than ever, but about 3 months after we started fussing and fighting over petty things. we don't believe in divorce - we're "stuck" with each other forever!! ; ) so after our 2nd anniversary i had to make a conscious decision to be happy and not try and pick fights..so when justin does something that i don't like or when i try and pick fights (cause if we're honest, its mostly my fault) then i stop and think of the reasons i love him - why i married him - - - - - these reasons are...

he has cute dimples when he smiles
he has pretty green eyes
he is an encourager
he puts my needs first
he cooks (and cooks well)
he cleans
he helps around the house
he loves me for me
he loves Jesus

there are many more reasons why i love him, but these are the most important!

justin, if you read this know that i love you more each day and i thank God for you. i'm working on my 'tude - thanks for being patient with me (sometimes ; ))

here's to new friends

2009-07-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

so, since i've started blogging, i have met some of the most amazing women - rebekah, bree, jill, jennifer - just to name a few -

i emailed rebekah one day to inquire about levi's hope for tomorrow and she emailed me back and we've stayed in touch. i was FINALLY able to put a real face (not a picture) with a name and amazing words from her blog.

a couple of weeks ago, after church, justin and i drove to montgomery to the Bass Pro Shop to meet rebekah and her husband tommy. we left tommy to shop and we went over to target to sit and talk in their starbucks!!

the moment i saw her i knew we would get along. she was like an old friend who was so easy to talk to. she understood what i'd been through and though our stories were different the pain is the same. we were able to talk about what has helped us and what our plans were for the future. two hours came and went way too quickly and then we had to leave - but not before she showed me how to knit...oh yeah..and i'm actually doing okay with it!!!

rebekah - words can't express how happy i was that we were able to meet face to face. your spirit and attitude is remarkable and i am grateful to now call you my friend. you made it so easy to sit down and talk and i hope you felt the same way! when we left montgomery - i knitted the whole way home and told justin how happy i was that the day went so well...thank you for my gifts and for the knitting tools and thanks for sharing your story and your son with me. levi was so handsome and is so blessed to have parents like you and tommy. i can't wait until we can see each other again and hang out - lets plan something - soon!!!

thank you Jesus - that you've brought such amazing women into my life. thank you for those whom i've met and whom i've only "spoke" with via email. thank you for their stories and their babies - i pray peace and joy over all their lives.

rebekah and me - a great new friend!

what i had finished that afternoon - not too bad...i've started something new now!

tommy in front of the starbucks sign - "the bean" would be so jealous

justin playing with the camera and me being goofy - but that's about how happy i was!

more pictures from summer

2009-07-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

if you didn't know - i have four of the most beautiful nieces in the world - i love them so much and i think they're kinda fond of their noni too!!!

emma jones - the best travel buddy

ella reid - at noni's house eating pizza - what a sweet girl

anna kate eating spaghetti - she'll eat anything

and she can say 'noni' really well!!

ava and anna kate - on our way to the science museum

summer in dallas

2009-07-12T17:49:00.001-07:00

this summer, i was able to go to dallas, tx and spend some time with my oldest sister lori and 3 of 4 nieces! i took emma with me to go visit ava and anna kate (aka: cakesy bug)...we should've taken ella reid with us, but i don't think i could've handled flying with her!!

so, when we got to lori's she had a whole agenda planned - as lori typically does. we, of course, made crafts with the girls, we went to the science museum, and went swimming everyday...besides the fact that it was 118 degrees outside and 85 inside her house (el cheapo) we had a great time!!! - go visit lori you'll surely lose 15 pounds of water weight!!!

here are some pictures from that trip!

tye dye shirts and bags!

anna kate

goofy girls- emma and ava

summertime fun

2009-07-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

sorry, i've been absent the past month or so...just really been keeping myself busy and working with abby to make sure this race is a success....so here's my plug - if you haven't registered for the Baby Steps 5k Memorial Race - please go ahead and do that...t-shirts are only guaranteed until Aug 15....and you know YOU WANT A T-SHIRT!!!

this summer has been going by at warp speed. i've been working - interpreting- a lot and i've been going various places....i'll blog about those separately!

i've been doing a lot of praying and thinking lately - here's what i've been thinking

God is faithful and loving- and He loves me even more than justin does or my parents do....He loves me MORE than we love maddie - that's crazy! we are His children and just like our parents get upset when we hurt and they cry when we cry - He cries when we cry - it broke His heart when maddie died - but that doesn't change the love He has for me.... if you haven't read "The Shack" i HIGHLY suggest that you do...it's an awesome book, a very deep book. it really changed the way i thought about God and His opinion about me.

although, God knew what was going to happen to justin and me (before we were born) - He still has more plans for our lives...His plans didn't stop on Feb 21, 2009 after we buried our daughter. so i feel that my life shouldn't stop there either. don't get me wrong maddie's sweet face and hands and feet still are in the forefront of my mind - i think about her numerous times a day and i still have her picture next to our bed. maddie will always be my angel baby and justin and i will always love her unconditionally. i've come to realize that i'm always going to be upset that things happened the way they did and i'm always gonna miss her, but those feelings can stay with me and still allow me to be happy and live life...

i've been around people who seem to be in a perpetual state of 'sadness' and i understand that people deal with loss differently, but luckily i have the hope of Jesus to help me make it through. with that hope comes a joy that you can only get from having a relationship with Jesus. He wants me (and you) to live life and be happy. so i'm thankful that i've found a way to miss my daughter and be happy at the same time. for me to stay in my deep state of sadness wasn't fair to my husband, my friends, or my family and i'm only 25 - i have a long life ahead and i don't want to stay stuck in the past for fear i might miss something wonderful God has planned for me. plus someone told me recently - that the grief that i'm experiencing will NEVER match my love for maddie. she said that no matter if i'm grieving a little or a lot or if its starting to get better - how much i grieve doesn't equal how much love i have for maddie. she told me if it did i would be crying all day everyday...but it doesn't so because i don't cry as much doesn't mean i don't love my daughter.

i hope if you are struggling with something - be it a loss of a baby, family member, spouse, job - or just sadness - that you would find the joy and hope that come from knowing Jesus as your Savior. it's amazing how much different your outlook becomes.

to abby, bree, rebekah, jill, jennifer, lori, lacy and all the other moms and people who read my blog - i'm praying for you - i'm praying for joy and hope and i'm thankful for each of you!

bereavement study

2009-07-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

any moms out there that have lost babies in the "perinatal" stage which is defined as 28 weeks gestation to 28 days old - should think about participating in this study - i'm in the process of doing it - and will do my "interview" (via phone) tonight hopefully! here are the details

BEREAVEMENT STUDY

THE IMPACT OF PERINATAL LOSS ON MOTHERS

A researcher from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology is conducting a dissertation study to learn about the loss of a singleton, a twin, a triplet, or higher-order multiple and its impact on mothers. The investigator is Louise E. Marasco, MS, clinical psychology PhD graduate student. She is requesting participation from adult mothers who have lost a baby, or more than one baby between the 28th week of pregnancy and the 28th day after birth. This study seeks mothers who have lost a baby in the last 4 years. The hope is that the information that is learned will assist health practitioners in providing comprehensive care for grieving mothers who have lost a multiple while simultaneously caring for a newborn.

If you choose to participate, the researcher will interview you by phone at a time that is convenient. You will be asked to complete several questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your child. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your child. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 2 hours and will be at no cost to you.

If you are interested in participating in this study please call:

Louise Marasco, MS
Principal Investigator
louise.marasco@gmail.com
(786)275-6962

baby steps memorial 5k

2009-06-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

it's almost here, less than 3 months away it's the 1st annual baby steps memorial 5k. it will be held at tannehill historical state park in mccalla, al at 8:00a.m.

the race is in memory of maddox elise and braden and brody nicholas - and all their friends who are with them in heaven!

we are looking to all of our friends to sign up and get your friends to sign up...we want a huge turn out.

baby steps 5k benefits The Amelia Center - which is a place that i've been utilizing. they offer free grief counseling for children and families who have had losses. parents go if you've lost a child or a grandchild, and kids can go no matter who they've lost. it's awesome. my counselor is amazing and she helps me see things that i wouldn't on my own! the Amelia Center also has a "mom's group" that meets every other wednesday and this is where moms come together and though our kids were different ages and died from different causes, we all share the same pain...it's nice to have people know how you feel and not think you're crazy for those feelings!

you can sign up by going to http://www.active.com/ keyword: baby steps - here you can register to RUN or WALK the 5k or the 1 mile and you can donate money!!! - there is also a link in the top right corner of the blog-

or you can e-mail me @ lonihodge23@gmail.com and i can mail you a registration flyer or i can put you down for donations or volunteering!

but, here's a free way you can help - BLOG about our race- you're friends with people i'm not and together we can reach the masses!!! when you blog, let me know you did....

thanks in advance for your help and we are looking forward to making this event an annual fundraising run for the Amelia Center!

one of God's most beautiful creations - the beach

2009-06-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

justin LOVES the beach - i love the beach too, but not like him...i love going to the beach to sit on the beach and read - i could do that all day, read, nap, get in the water, repeat cycle - however, justin doesn't like to sit still - he's like a kid with ADD - he could walk up and down the beach ALL day and not get tired - weird, i know!

it's amazing to sit on the beach and look out to see the beauty that is in the ocean and the vastness of it all - it's absolutely breathtaking - God is so good!

anyway - we had the opportunity to go to the beach with our sunday school teachers and friends, ashley and bryan. good times were had by all. here are a few pictures.

of course i had to include miss maddie in our trip! i also included some of her friends, ella, levi, erin, and of course braden and brody! (that's ashley, erin's mommy above)

looking forward to the rest of my summer and hopefully meeting up with my blogger buddies -rebekah and bree soon - I HOPE!!!! : )

8x8

2009-06-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

8x8 all about me!

so, to hopefully cheer up bree (ella's story) i'm going to fill out this 8x8 about me! but let me warn you - i'm not nearly as interesting as bree - and i sure haven't traveled to all the FUN places she has....but nonetheless - here goes!

THE RULES: Mention who tagged you.Complete the list of 8's.Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
getting pregnant
having a healthy pregnancy and baby
going on vacation with justin
paying off our student loan debt
growing old with justin
going back to school for my masters
watching my nieces grow up to become beautiful young ladies
my wedding anniversary on june 23

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:
interpreted
took a nap
played on the internet
went to hamburger heaven with justin, josh, and erin
went to bass pro shop with the above people
drove around a neighborhood to find and house erin and i liked that we saw on the internet
read my book "The Shack"
talked on the phone
(yesterday was an UNEVENTFUL day - sorry for the boring details!)

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
still play piano
still play softball
see maddie again
lose 50 lbs.
pay off our student loans
build my dream home
cook well ALL THE TIME
interpret like the pros! ; )

8 SHOWS I WATCH:
next food network star
desperate housewives
grey's anatomy
top chef
food network challenge
law and order SVU
wipeout
two and a half men

8 FAVORITE FOODS - i can't believe i forgot this part of the survey - wow!
french fries
broccoli and cheese
sushi
chocolate
peaches (and peach cobbler)
cheese
shrimp
grits

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELLED: - this is another boring part
maryland
washington dc
texas
mexico - on a cruise
england - manchester
ohio
florida
south carolina

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:
california
italy
paris
canada
hawaii
new york
maine
costa rica

8 PEOPLE I TAGGED-
abby - nicholas family
lori - goodrich family
stephanie - pinckard family
jill - lily's story
rebekah - levi's story
emily - harris family
lacy - jones family
dawn - northcutt family

pretty flowers

2009-05-30T10:41:00.001-07:00

my papa maddox (my granddad and maddie's namesake) always has the most BEAUTIFUL flowers. so, when justin and i bought our new house, papa said we needed some flowers to go out in our yard. he cut me pieces off his gardenia bush and his hydrangea bush...and now a year later this is what they look like.....SO PRETTY - thank you papa - i love you!!!

blessed pt. 2

2009-05-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

if you read below, i was talking about the new reasons i've found that i can truly say i am blessed...well here's one more!

if you don't know, i work at the Alabama School for the Deaf - i teach high school science, which encompasses biology, zoology, anatomy, and physics. i just completed my second year of teaching - but i have been at the school since 2007 when i was doing my internship. during my internship i spent half with a 1st grade class and the other half with high schoolers - teaching, yep you guessed it - SCIENCE. i remember those classes well - i had 1 period senior boys - physical science, 2nd period juniors - anatomy, 3rd period freshman biology 4th period sophomores- zoology, 6th period seniors - physics....now i loved all my classes - but ther was just something about those sophomores- i fell in love with them. i told them i wasn't coming back there to teach, cause i honestly didn't think i was - but that summer after justin and i got married - i did everything i could to make sure i was back at ASD for the fall of 2007! so i've taught them now their junior and senior year and our bond has just gotten stronger! well last thursday 5/28/09 they graduated... :( it was a bittersweet time, as these kids are like my own....they showed such concern for me when i was out after maddie passed, they sent cards and gifts and it just make me remember how much i loved them. well - get this after we set up the baby steps race, our kids decided to help us raise money to get the race going - they collected nearly $250 and donated all that to our race fund - i was THRILLED.....

then, thursday at graduation, i knew they were going to recognize baby steps and possibly give us a little more money to help with the race...so it comes time for the senior gifts and greg and kenyatta (class officers) get up and while greg speaks (he's hard of hearing and has good speech) kenyatta signs-"we the class of 2009 present this check for $1,400 to mrs. loni hodge, in memory of maddox elise hodge, daughter of justin and loni. this money goes to the baby steps race in which all proceeds will go to benefit programs of children's hospital" i was a basket case....all the seniors turned around and gave me the biggest smiles and i was just sobbing - i walked on stage to receive this BIG CHECK (literally) and to tell my kids just how much they mean to me.....i was blown away by there generosity. this just shows you that some kids are truly good hearted and really do mean well.... sorry the pictures are dark, but i think you can clearly see that i looked a mess...but oh well....

blessed

2009-05-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

bless⋅ed - 3. divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; 4. blissfully happy or contented

with all the things that have gone on in the past 6 months - i still am able to wholeheartedly say - i am blessed. i am fortunate, i am blissfully happy (at times) and i am content. i've come to gain a new perspective on life and what we are truly here for. when you think about each person's life, each person in the whole world - if you are a Christian, then you think what's God's purpose for their life. each person has a different purpose - some are to teach, some are to serve, some are to preach - we are all called to DO something. i think it is amazing that we live on this earth for a specific number of days, weeks, months, and years just to complete what God says is our mission. now, think about kids who die.....to me, i've started to realize that it wasn't that they were taken "early" maybe to the human mind we want to feel that way - but think about it - maddie was taken back home when she fulfilled her duties that Jesus sent her to do. i believe that she was sent to show people that God does exist and that He is still performing miracles, and that He is the only one who can heal your heart and give you peace. my maddie was such an amazing little girl that she completed her job well before mommy and daddy and mimi and pop and nina and papaw (i think that's what jennifer and doug were going to be called!) - her job was simple yet profound and she did it and then got to meet Jesus instead of living in this pain filled world.

Lord - you are revealing yourself to me piece by piece and even though i'm stubborn and want to to things my own way and worry about everything - i'm trying piece by piece to give it all to you. thank you for the awesome works you created in maddie, thank you for allowing me to see that she fulfilled your plan on earth. thank you for the lives that she has touched and the legacy she has left! God thank you that you LOVE children and you welcome them into Heaven - according to Mark 10:14 (New International Version) 14When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. - this verse, Jesus, gives me such hope and peace knowing that you held out your loving arms and you welcomed my child into your kingdom. Lord - i thank you for my earthly "kids" all 86 of them at school. i particularly pray a blessing over my seniors - i pray that as they go out into the world that they would seek your will and they would be successful young men and women. thank you for their hearts of kindness, the class of 2009 will always be so special to me! thank you for my blogger friends and mommies....thank you for their ministries that you have given to them. i thank you for their encouragement to me and i pray that they would be given peace like no other! you are indeed amazing and i will praise you for you alone are worthy!

rambling

2009-05-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

its monday night - may 18th....9 days until summer 2009 (praise the Lord) which means crunch time..busy, busy, busy....also - tomorrow is maddie's 3 month anniversary and this time it really feels like 3 years since i met that beautiful baby! in my life, time has come to a stand still....
in the past month -
we got maddie's marker in - WOOHOO
we had our second month of bunco 4 babies
we got through mothers' day
we got through maddie's due date(s)
i passed a test to get my interpreter's licence - WOOHOO
and i've met some really WONDERFUL moms..

for mother's day weekend - justin, my wonderful, caring, attentive husband, took me for a weekend at the beach....it wasn't the nicest place to stay, but none the less, i was with justin and we had a good time!

then on maddie's due date, i took off and spent the day with abby - goofing off and going by and visiting my precious little girl and her new marker!

i also went to a mom's support group at the amelia center - i'll have to explain more about that, later!

bunco 4 babies is far exceeding all my hopes and expectations! i SO enjoy every month getting together with such an amazing group of women and just having a good time. this month we had a "cinco de mayo" theme like you saw below...our item of the month was blankets....we collected well over 50 blankets (pretty embroidered fleece blankets and receiving blankets!) We also collected over $150 and we bought some much needed items for the NICU at St. Vincent's East (formerly Medical Center East) - abby and i made our delivery last week and the nurses in the NICU were THRILLED about our gifts....that just makes my soul smile when we make a delivery. abby and i actually walked through the NICU and were able to see the sweet little babies we were helping...there was one little guy there who weighed 14 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long - just about the same size maddie was - that was awesome to see him fighting to make it....i know his mom and dad must be so proud....those sweet babies warmed my soul!

our next bunco night is june 2 at 6pm - ANYONE is welcome...we will be collecting "memory makers" - anything from plaster type frames to get footprints in, to picture frames, to ornaments, ANYTHING that parents can use to make memories of their little ones - be creative...so if you'd like to come - COME - if you can't come but would like to donate....let me know!!!

bunco 4 babies

2009-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

so, one of my best friends, abby (nicholas family) and i have started a group called bunco 4 babies. we meet the first tuesday of each month. a group of women come together and donate an item for a local NICU and a little money and we play bunco all night....its pretty fun...just a dice game - its really the company and the cause that i love so much!!!!! here are the pictures from this month's bunco....it was on may 5th, cinco de mayo so we had a mexican theme!!!!! -

songs that mean so much

2009-05-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

this is a song by selah - baby caroline's dad's group (blog: audreycaroline.blogspot.com)
its perfect for what i'm feeling. you can hear the song on our playlist at the bottom of our blog. here are the lyrics

i will carry you
there were photographs I wanted to take
things I wanted to show you
sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
who could love you like this
people say that I am brave but I’m not
truth is I’m barely hangin’ on
there s a greater story written long before me
because he loves you like this
i will carry you, while your heart beats here
long beyond the empty cradle through the coming years
i will carry you, all my life
i will praise the one who’s chosen me to carry you
such a short time such a long road
all this madness but I know
that this silence has brought me to his voice
and he says
i’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
walked her through the parted seas
angel lullabies no more teary eyes
who could love her like this
i will carry you while your heart beats here
long beyond the empty cradle through the coming years
i will carry you ALL your life
i will praise the one who’s chosen me to carry you

- this song is so awesome, because it's true- God has shown my daughter, little maddie, things that He's done from the beginning. she's met some of the Bible's coolest heroes and disciples and honestly, who could love my girl more than Jesus. as much as i know justin and i love this baby - Jesus loves her 100 times more. AMAZING. thank you Jesus for a love like this. thank you for carrying me - through the dark days and nights and through the anger and the tears - thank you for carrying me. Lord, i am SO grateful for the blessings you have given to me and my family. i am thankful for a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear (even if they are snug!), a car to drive, a job to go to, and loving husband, and awesome family and friends. Lord, teach me to point out the things i should be grateful for - even when things go wrong and not like we have planned. Lord i'm at peace with maddie's death, but Lord put me at peace with my future. send peace to justin's heart has our family has a new dynamic. Lord if this peace is "a world away" like the song says, or if you chose to answer our prayers in other ways than we ask - Lord help us to be grateful. you are the giver of life and breath and we praise you for that! we couldn't ask for a more loving Father.

this next song is "gratitude" by nicole nordeman - my friend jill has this on her blog and jill, i'll pull this up at work and leave your blog up so i can hear this song all day!! thanks for sharing it. you're always in my prayers, jill. lily is beautiful and another example of God's love and beauty.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You

With gratitude A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between

What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

maddie's marker

2009-05-06T19:19:00.001-07:00

praise the Lord! while i was at bunco last night, justin called me to ask if i had heard from ms. s (the woman from the cemetery) - i sighed and said no, what's going on now??? justin said "she called to tell us that maddie's marker was down"...i said - did you say DOWN???? he said yes i did...

i swear i almost burst into tears i was so happy. thank you Lord for answering my prayers. this was the one thing that i wanted for mothers' day and don't you know, i got it!!! God gives his children the desires of their heart! thank you Jesus - you are an awesome Father and i am blessed to be your daughter. - thank you Lord for my daughter - thank you for allowing me the opportunity to carry her - even for a short time. i am blessed to be your servant and to be justin's wife and maddie's mom!

this is it! we opted not to put the small pictures on her marker, because none looked babyish enough! we are happy with this marker and we are learning to deal with the fact that she lives with Jesus and He lets her watch over us! we love you baby girl!

my mom is a survivor

2009-05-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

happy mothers' day to all of the "surviving mothers" - you guys have helped me more than you know. - thanks abby for this poem - i love you

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying at night

when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach

that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...

a smile of disguise!

But through Heaven's door I see

tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death

to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows

it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that angels

protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...

or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her..

and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

no matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal.

(By Kaye Des'OrmeauxOctober 15, 1998

Dedicated to the mothers who have lost a child & have somehow survived.)

YAY JEB

2009-05-04T19:46:00.001-07:00

so - aside from talking about me, me, me....

its time to talk about one of my brothers-in-law, jeb. jeb and lacy married march 17, 2001 had my first niece, emma, on august 20 2001. it was right after emma was born that jeb decided he needed to do something with his college career. he said that he was going to start majoring in pharmacy and started by taking classes at jeff state while he was working nights for UPS...then he got accepted into auburn's school of pharmacy and 4 years ago they moved back to auburn for jeb to attain his goal of graduating with a degree in pharmacy.

he and lacy have both worked very hard to make sure that emma and ella have everything they need. and i am SOOOOO very PROUD to say that tomorrow at 10am, jeb will officially be a PharmD. jeb, all your hard work has finally paid off. thank you for your dedication to my sister and my nieces. thank you for your love for them. even though i can't be there in person, i'll be watching online - shouting that's my brother-in-law, and i'll be so excited!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS, JEB....i'm a proud sister!!! i love you and can't wait to see what God has in store for you, lacy, and the girls in athens!!!!

praying for something better

2009-05-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

so, in case you don't know the next two weeks are gonna SUCK. on friday, september 5, 2008 when i went to my very first OB appointment the doctor told me that my expected due date was may 6, 2009! i was ELATED. i thought, what a better way to start my summer break than with the birth of our first child....so we started planning, i started talking to the administration at work about my maternity leave and find coverage for my classes - it was gonna be a good year!! then on tuesday, december 23, 2008 - we anxiously went to UAB for our first mfm (maternal fetal medicine) appointment. that doctor calmed our minds by telling us that we were having a girl and that she appeared to be developing properly. she had no spine problems, no heart problems, her brain looked good and her little kidneys were doing fine too! we were relieved and now looking forward to a different due date - may 12, 2009...then as you've all read numerous times - it was dec. 29 (monday) when we found out there may potentially be a problem with our precious little angel - then we got the confirmation of the triploidy on wednesday dec 31.

unfortunately, my sweet baby's due date came 3 months too soon....so now i'm faced with going through may 6 and may 12 - alone...and i say alone because i'm only sustaining one life....my sweet little girl is no longer relying on me, her mommy, to support for and keep her healthy.... i'm just REALLY ready for these next two weeks to FLY by and it to all be over...i'm ready to wake up and be normal again and feel normal again....i'm ready not to be angry, i'm ready not to be jealous and bitter....Lord, I'M READY.....i'm ready to be a real life mom with a real live baby to care for....Lord, I'm NOT READY to move on, i'm not ready to forget about maddox elise....and LORD - i'm not ready to let others to forget about her.....i'll never be ready for these things....

these past few weeks have been hard - people still say things that hurt, people move on and don't check on you anymore, people get pregnant and have babies - and well that sucks...its hard to be happy for someone when you want what they have - i'm only so strong and well i've realized that i can't please everyone and i do have to take care of myself and my well-being..

so, i'm praying for something better. Lord, i'm praying to receive your blessings, i'm praying to do your will and know your plans for me and justin. i need something to look forward to, i need something to be happy about, i need to be semi-normal again...

keep us in your prayers this week on may 6 and next week on may 12 - oh and mother's day is coming up - woo hoo. (that's supposed to be sarcastic)......what's the point in celebrating mother's day when your daughter isn't living.....(yes-i'm thankful for my mom, mom in law, and grandmothers) but being a mom after your child has died - doesn't make for an exciting mother's day...

to all you other mother's out there who have buried your kids - you all are an inspiration to me. i pray for you all daily and i thank God for your life and the opportunity to meet you (even if it is only over blogging)....i pray for the other mothers and readers too - i pray that you never have to experience this and that maddox elise will touch your heart.

so please pray with me - pray for something better - pray for normalcy (whatever that is)....

actually, i have 2 awards!!

2009-04-25T19:31:00.001-07:00

to be fair - i actually got an award before dawn's! ale' sproule gave me an award in march! thank you ale' - ale' is married to alex- and alex and i graduated together from good ol' pghs. ale' was a little younger than us, but one thing i remember about her is she always had a BIG PRETTY smile!!! thanks ale' for the award!!!! now i am ready for some good ole lemonade.....

here are a few rules.....

1. put the lemonade award logo on your blog or post

2. nominate at least 10 blogs that show great attitude or gratitude

3. link to your nominees within your post

4. let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog

5. share the love and link to the person from who you received your award

and my lemonade award goes to.....

1. abby

2. lori

3. emily

4. dawn

5. jill

6. lovoys

7. lane family

8. stephanie

9. lacy

10. hughes family

me = blogger award???? crazy, huh?

2009-04-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

so, i never would've thought that people would be interested enough in what i have to say to give me an award for my blog! but ha, they did!!!! this award was given to me by dawn n. - her husband actually was my math teacher in high school!!! thanks dawn!!!!

so these are the rules:
1.when given the award you write about the seven things that you love
2. pass the award to 7 bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (you can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard.)
seven things that i love:

1. Jesus - definitely wouldn't have made it without him

2. the hubs- justin and miss maddox elise!

3. my sisters and nieces

4. my families (lamons and hodge)

5. my friends - i have some of the BEST in the world

6. sign language, teaching, and interpreting - they all go together!

7. cooking :)

now it's my turn to give this award to seven friends and bloggers.(this means you get to put this cute little award on your blog so don't let me down by not participating and passing it along.)

drum roll please ...................................................

i give the award to:

1. the nicholas family

2. jill and lily

3. the pinckard family

4. lori and the girls

5. lacy and the girls

6. the harris family

7. jennifer and timothy

getting a little ink ;)

2009-04-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

last weekend was fun and memorable! abby and i had planned to make our first Bunco4Babies drop off. we planned to make our first donation to princeton - the hospital that i grew up in and the one my mom has worked in for 'forty years' -that's a mom thing- we had a box full of disposable cameras, 2 $25 gas gift cards - for patients who live far away- and 5 preemie car seat headrests!

so abby shows up at our house and she has me the cutest shirt!!! its says Bunco 4 Babies on the front with my name and this on the back!!! (sorry - abby, i didn't like the picture of me from the front!!!)

i think these are SOOOOOO cute! thanks again abby - i'll be wearing mine next tuesday at bunco4babies!

-later that day, we decided to have a little fun. according to my mother - i like trashy stuff! haha - no really, i kinda have a thing for tattoos! i got one when i was like 19 and my mom FLIPPED!! and if you have a tattoo then you probably already know that they can be addicting! so i decided to get something to remember maddie - so that i could "see" her every where i went! so this is what i did!!! (sorry jennifer - my mom in law - i'm not sure if you knew i had tattoos!!! HA)

these are maddox's feet on my foot!!! i took the best set of prints that we got from the hospital and the guy sketched them and put them on my feet. at first, i wanted them in all pink to represent her being a little girl, but the tattoo artist said if would look like a wad of gum on my foot. so we settled on doing them black with a pink outline!!! i am VERY VERY pleased with it and i want to show everyone!!! - the tattoo really looks good, but the top picture is not the best one, cause it hasn't finished healing!

now, mom - how could you NOT like this? come on admit it - you like it!!!

hmmm, i wonder what i'll get next!!! hahahahhahaahaha

easter

2009-04-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

this year easter was a lot different for me...i was still joyous because the occasion - i'll always be grateful to God for sending His son to die for me and then the fact that Jesus rose 3 days later - AMAZES me...

my mom and i had a conversation before easter (and i think she was shopping in costco, as we were on the phone). i was trying to tell her that i didn't want to come over for easter, i just wanted to sit at home and be with justin....well - being mom, and if you know my mom, you'll understand - she wasn't having it that i wouldn't make it to her house for a holiday. so she continuted to explain that if anyone knew what i was feeling- God did, because He sent his son to die for us and he had to experience the grief that went with it...point taken

however, we still didn't go over there. i think that this year is going to be different for us. its not going to go like we thought it would last year. we won't be loving on a sweet baby for mother's day or father's day. we won't have any "baby's first" holidays this year -NOPE nothing....so, mom, lori, lacy, daddy, and all other family members - just be patient with me...i'm trying, but you know me - i'm a turtle so it may take some time!

i did, however, get a chance to spend some time with my nieces for easter. we went and had fun at our neighborhood easter egg hunt....i love spending time with my girls- and i think they love their noni!

noni loves you - emma, ava, anna kate, and ella <3

what's wrong with people

2009-04-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

to add to my ill mood, i've had to deal with the people from the cemetery...we ordered maddie's marker on march 21 and we were told that they didn't provide a proof, but that they would put a rush on it and hopefully have it in by easter. i wasn't necessarily wanting it by easter, but it was a nice gesture...

so yesterday i get a phone call from the woman at the cemetery telling me that maddie's 'acknowledgement' was in and i needed to come by THAT DAY to approve it, because they only had 24 hours to send it back if something was wrong...so i got excited, thinking YES!!! its in, i'll have it for mother's day (don't ask why its such a big deal for easter, it just IS)....so 3:05 happens, i leave work, skip the faculty meeting- oops- and bust my rear to make it to the cemetery as close to 4:30 as i can....at 4:40 i arrive and ask to please use the restroom, first, since i didn't have time to go before i left work. when i walk back into her office - i notice that there ISN'T a big piece of granite sitting on her desk, but more like a piece of white computer paper with a fax covers sheet....she then tells me that this is the "draft" they faxed over and i needed to sign off that i approve before they make it...

i'm not sure how busy this company is, but i SERIOUSLY don't think that it takes 3 1/2 weeks to draw up a computerized sketch of my daughter's 10x20 marker.....so i politely ask her when it should be in and she says that the estimated ship date is may 8.....so when i said "you mean it won't be here in time for mother's day?" she said, "oh, i'm sorry, i guess not.."

well when i left if called justin and being the daddy he is, he called the cemetery to explain that i was upset and why was it taking so long to get this simple little marker in....well, needless to say, the lady calls us back today and she calls me and i blow UP...because she tried to tell me "i know how you feel"....NO YOU DON'T....so unfortunately, the only other thing that i wanted on mother's day, besides MADDOX ELISE, won't be here....(well, she said she was calling the company and asking them to rush it, but i'm not holding my breath)..

so even though this is a petty fight...it's something that is dear to me and i don't understand what in the world could take this long....so pray that maddie's marker gets here before mother's day...

oh and that people think before they speak...some people just blurt out things and don't think about who they are saying it in front of.....that's really not cool......THINK PEOPLE!!!!

happy birthday boys

2009-04-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

join with me in wishing braden and brody nicholas a happy first birthday.

braden and brody are the handsome twin boys of one of my best friends, abby and cary. abby went in to pre-term labor at 22 weeks and lost both twins a year ago today.

abby has been a great friend to me during this terrible time. she's a voice of understanding and experience and for that i'm VERY thankful. it's nice to have a person who's been there and knows the hurt that comes along with a loss like this.

tonight, take a minute and say a prayer for abby and cary. i'm sure the year anniversary of your babies' death is hard enough, not to mention it falls on easter - a day that is supposed to be joyous!!!

abby (and cary- even though he won't read this!!) - i love you and i'm thankful for you. i'm thankful that maddie has friends in heaven who can keep her company! thanks for sharing your stories with me and most of all thanks for listening to me....you know just how good it feels to talk...we'll always remember our sweet babies!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRADEN AND BRODY!!!

okay to be angry

2009-04-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

so its time to confess i'm not some super-woman, i'm not strong, and i'm NOT okay with what happened to maddie.

during the pregnancy, after we found out about what happened, i got a little angry about it, then i just said "ok God, this is it....i'm waiting on you" - i just knew God was going to blow us away with a miraculous healing...well, i say "i just knew it", but there was always this little pocket of doubt that says ,but what if.... either way, i promised God that i would love Him regardless and i would praise Him no matter the outcome.

i've done that - i still love God, i still praise Him and am thankful for the blessings He has given me...but i've also come to realize that 7 weeks after maddie's death that i am INDEED ANGRY at God....i'm FUMING....i'm MAD, more mad than i've ever been at anyone.......when i get like this there is a physical pain that comes with it...there is a burning sensation inside my body and there seems to be nothing i can do to ease the anger or make it go away.

its something that has taken a while to build up, but now that it has hit me...its overflowing in my body and its hard to contain. now don't read this and think i'm mad all the time, think of a bipolar person - one minute i'm fine then the next i'm like the HULK -ANGRY and ready to fight.
that seems to be the consensus with most bereaved moms - is a sense of feelin' CRAZY - and its not a feeling i'd want anyone to experience.

a friend of mine, ashley, explained to me one day that its okay to tell God you are angry at Him. He knows you are anyway, why not tell Him......then i thought, well i know i serve a BIG GOD so i guess my BIG ANGER is okay....admitting this has been really difficult. typically, when i get angry at someone, i can vent and then fix the problem, i can yell at who i'm mad at, or talk to who i'm angry at and work things out...but NOW there is NOTHING i can do to fix this..i can't bring maddox back, i can't "fix" this problem or "solve" anything...yes, i can tell God i'm angry at him and that i'm MAD, but that doesn't help the pain.

in the past week or so, i've had several "breakdowns", where i just get in a funk and i start crying then i get ANGRY, then i feel like i need to punch something to relieve the pain. i've also come to terms that i am angry and it is OKAY...and its okay to tell God that, "you know what, i don't like what you did, and i honestly think it sucks, but God i love you and i'm just gonna be mad, until you heal my heart and teach me something".....i think God's okay with that. I feel like a real mother who has a teenager that has done something she REALLY didn't like and it made her ANGRY..but regardless of how angry she gets, she still loves that child with all her heart - and nothing will change that....that's how i feel with God. even though i've accepted that i'm angry, it still doesn't help the fact that it's there....and i don't feel like there is anything to do to take it away. that's the part i HATE...

some people may not understand my anger or they may think that i'm being irreverent, or that i shouldn't be mad at God - to those people i say spend a day in my shoes and then you can say whether i have a right to be angry or not...

aside from feeling angry, i'm also sad/depressed, lonely, bitter, and CRAZY. i know some of these emotions aren't healthy, but they are apart of grieving and i'm working through this process... i just felt the need to tell all those who have read our blog and kept up with our trials, that i've not been "YAY God" this whole time....i'm human and it's normal!

with that i say please keep us in your prayers. pray that God will heal my angry heart and that each day will get better.

i still think about you every day, maddox elise. mommy loves you so so so so much and if i could change things i would, but i guess God wanted his perfect little angel back home with the other perfect angels! i know you are up there playing with braden, brody, and hannah! just make sure you tell your friends that their mommies still love them and think of them daily! i promise i'll never let anyone forget you. i'll tell everyone what a miracle you were and how much you changed your mommy and daddy's life...you are our greatest work and we'll love you forever.....ask God to comfort us, cause mommy and daddy get real sad sometimes and we just want to know that you're okay and that we'll be okay...have fun playing in heaven! we'll see you one day! - love - your mommy

***sorry about the rambling, i just wanted to come clean and get this off my chest....keep praying***

Prom 2009

2009-04-05T15:02:00.001-07:00

below, are some pictures from this year's prom. being a high school teacher, there are just some things that you are REQUIRED to do....and prom is one of them! each time, i always have a good time dancing with the students, while justin just sits at the table and avoids eye contact with people (so he doesn't have to sign!!!). the kids always laugh at me, cause, well i'm sure it's funny to see a white teacher try to do the soulja boy...but i do it!!!!!

debbie cobb and me
marianne, me, and erin - the coolest teachers, EVER

erin and me...who knew we'd end up working together and being GREAT friends!

my hott, date.....

brina and me (and ayla!)

its been a minute - a busy minute

2009-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

i've been pretty busy these past few weeks. thursday, march 26th was my 25th birthday and i must say; its been the BEST i've EVER had! this is how it started - woke up to justin cooking me biscuits, then off to work where i helped my kids prepare for prom, while they spread word about my day! it just makes me smile when my kids come up and hug my neck and say happy birthday! then as i was walking to find something for lunch i went into our break room to find my co-workers saying SURPRISE with a stack of pizzas and a cake. to my surprise my mom ordered Domino's pizzas and a hummingbird cake from a local bakery in talladega and had them delivered!it was GREAT!!! then at the beginning of fourth block i got a flower delivery and it was the GORGEOUS roses from my mom and daddy! :) THEN when i got home from work i had another box of flowers on my porch - more beautiful tulips from my sisters, lori and lacy and my nieces and bros in law! that evening i knew justin had plans for dinner. he took me to Sumo (a japanese restaurant) where my parents, my in-laws, my best friends from high school, and my awesome best friends, new best friends and co-workers (with significant others) were waiting! it was a great surprise party! we had a blast!

it was nice to actually be happy and have a genuine smile on my face! i did have a short break down....i was getting ready for my b'day dinner and jumped in the shower and proceeded to BAWL my eyes out. it hit me so hard that my baby wasn't here to help me celebrate my birthday. it hit me that maddox would never have a surprise party and a birthday surrounded by her best friends. i'll never get to see maddie grow up and smile....it was a rough afternoon for me...but luckily i was blessed with a good ending!

i know i'm always going to have 'hard time' or rough patches, but MAN they are NO fun.........please keep praying for us, for our strength, our peace, and our healing. i've heard about other families going through similar situations that we had- please keep them in your prayers, pray for miracles. one in particular jill smith, who is pregnant with sweet baby lily. she's due in the next couple weeks. lily has been diagnosed with trisomy 18...please keep jill and her entire family in your prayers....we know God is in control and will take care of his children.

hope everyone is doing well - i'm praying for you, my friends.

good times had by all

2009-03-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

me and my daddy - definitely a daddy's girl

me and my mommy - she wasn't ready for the picture i don't think!

my very best friends from high school! jennifer and stacey

my in-laws, jennifer and doug

me and my new best friend!! abby - she's the other mother i've been working with! YAY Abby!

some of the best friends a girl could ask for...marianne and erin - i love you guys!

my silly hubby - he thought it would be funny to cover my face!

me and my hubby - he planned the best birthday party

the coolest picture frame my best friend (i have many) brina gave me! it has a beautiful poem in it about missing maddie!

beautiful roses my mom and dad sent me for my birthday

emma on the nail bed at mcwane's

look at them muscles!

my pretty lil niece!

emma jones

our slumber party - we were watching Annie! i love me some emma

back to school, back to school....

2009-03-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

to prove to dad that i'm not a fool. i've got my lunch pack up, my shoes tied tight. i hope i don't get in a fight....OHHH back to school, back to school, back. to. school. - to quote billy madison - one of the greatest movies!

yep, yesterday was my first day back to work. the first day back after spring break for my kids....if you haven't read our little "about me" paragraph to the right - i teach high school science at our state's Deaf school. (now that means, i teach science in sign language, i don't teach sign language (they already know it) and all my kids are Deaf or hard of hearing (no blind kids)) - you'd be surprised how many silly questions i get about my job! anyway, i teach the big kids - 9th - 12th grade....all of the students in high school were told about maddie's passing and they were sad for me and concerned about my health! so the first day back was interesting!

i had some students coming in my room giving me big hugs, even some of my boys hugged my neck and said they missed me! some students were curious about maddie and wanted to see pictures...i gave them permission to ask whatever questions they had (except for inappropriate and really personal questions). its always a rule in my class that any question is okay to ask, as long as you use appropriate words - when you teach science, especially anatomy, kids are naturally curious - so i think an open question policy in my room is IMPORTANT...i had some kids ask what happened and why she died, so that was an opportunity for me to talk about triploidy and be able to explain it to my kids....i found it very very therapeutic for me!

i didn't realize how much i missed signing and 'chatting' with my co-workers and students! i'm happy to be back and i think the kids are happy to see me too! they've actually been really cooperative in paying attention and doing their work....that makes me proud! there are only 44 days of school left and that's not long.....

we've got a full schedule coming up---
ACT test tomorrow and Thursday
my birthday - thursday!!!!!
Disciple Now weekend with our church - we'll be hosting 9th grade boys!!! ahhh - pray for us! :)
PROM - April 3
Bunco 4 Babies - first game April 7th!! (let me know if you're interested!)
Easter
justin's birthday- april 28th - which is also the coolest interpreter in with world's b'day (other than me! ;)) dee's birthday - april 28th is a good day!
jeb's graduation from pharmacy school
mother's day : /
graduation for my sweet kids!
SUMMER- YAHOO

keep prayin' - we still need it. our God is a good God.....

1 month already?!

2009-03-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

yep, it sure has....one month ago today (at 1:20p.m. to be exact) my precious little maddie was born and my life forever changed.....

i was thinking about posting a blog the other day, but never got around to it and now i think is a good time...

there are often times that i sit here and think about maddox and the days we went for testing and got results. then i think about the day we got the worst news ever on feb. 17, then feb. 19....that day, that thursday, has become the best AND worst day of my life....

second to the day justin and i got married, this day, feb. 19, was the best day EVER. it was the day that i had been waiting for, the day that i finally got to see my beautiful baby that i had prayed for...it was the day that i became a MOM! however, at the same time it was the WORST day of my life too....having to deliver a baby who's spirit had left her and having to live the rest of my life without my first born, my daughter....

some people make comments like "oh, i'm sorry - you had a miscarriage" or "oh i hate that but you'll have another one" or "well at least you know that everything works and you can have more" - i know everyone is just trying to help or they are saying things cause they don't know what to say, but that doesn't hep....first, she wasn't a miscarriage - she was a stillborn baby....she was a little girl who was alive and died before she made her debut. miscarriages happen early on, not in the 3rd trimester..(i'm not discounting miscarriages as nothing, by any means) oh and guess what she's not a donut or a soda.....i won't just have another....she was a baby and no matter if God blesses justin and i with 5 or 10 more, guess what...none of them will be maddie and none will take her place.....and the last thing....i don't care that everything works and i can have another one....yes that's great, but my body has prepared itself to take care of a baby and i don't have one to take care of.....that HURTS a person's soul

sorry, i digress.....anyway, justin and i are doing pretty good..its amazing the kind of strength that God gives you to get through days...God also puts good people around you to keep your head up! i still get emails and cards occasionally and that really brightens my day! please keep praying for us and thinking about us...it's still rough and we still don't know where to go from here, but we're praying about that...

in the next few days justin and i will be finishing up everything with maddie's burial...we will be ordering her marker for her grave...pray for comfort while we do this and pray for courage.

this is maddie's grave....it looks so lonely, but the cemetery won't allow us to put anything out there until there is a marker and a vase! luckily, emma and mimi didn't pay attention to the rules and they brought her some pretty pink baby roses!

ways to remember my girl, maddox elise

2009-03-11T14:28:00.001-07:00

so in a previous post, i mentioned how i was trying to think of ways to do something special in maddie's memory and i think i've gotten some pretty good ideas!

i've become good friends with abby nicholas. abby and her husband cary lost their twin boys, braden and brody in april 2008 due to pre-term labor. unfortunately, abby and i had to meet down this sad, often times, lonely road. i thank God for abby and i'm grateful to have another mother who knows the pain and how i feel! (abby - thank you for taking time to listen to me and being patient with me when i feel completely crazy!)

anyway, abby and i have brainstormed and we've both come up with good ideas! abby's idea was to start a bunco group called "bunco for babies" and each time we would meet we could bring an item to be donated (disposable cameras - were high on the list, maybe diapers) to a hospital and then maybe $10 - $5 to be put into the "pot" to win, and the other $5 would go to local hospitals as a donation. so if you are interested in playing bunco around the moody/trussville area let me know, the more people we have- the better! even if you are already involved in a bunco group - your group could play with ours for a BIG BUNCO BLOWOUT!!! abby and i think this will be a good way for people to get together to have fun, meet new people, and to raise money for hospitals that mean a lot to us!

then my idea was to organize a run/walk in memory of our kids - we've been in contact with some people from children's hospital and we've decided to do this race and have all proceeds be donated to children's hospital NICU and their hands of hope program! i have met with someone from the 'trak shak' and we are in the beginning stages of this race. we are planning it for sometime in the fall, i think september is our goal....and somewhere in the moody, leeds, trussville area. it will probably be an 8k run (5 miles) so start training if you want to run or walk!! we will be in need of good sponsors to donate $ to help get this started (costs are for course set up, police to block the roads, water and drink stands during the race, and for someone to handle the timing and results). so, if you know of any "kind" businesses or you have your own business, please ask or think about sponsoring this race. we are hoping to make it an annual event, provided that we have a good turn out this first year!!!

also, if you are a runner/walker/or want to try a race - please think about joining our race! it's a sure way to get good exercise, meet new people, and help out a good cause!

again, i'm still open for more ideas or ideas related to bunco and the race!

please still keep us in your prayers, i've been having more bad days this week....missing maddie a lot more...

what a relaxing sunday afternoon

2009-03-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

this morning, justin and i got up (which was HARD since i went to bed late) and got ready for church. we got to church had a great time at worship, then we went with leslie and dustin (fellow sunday school members) to habanero's mexican - which was yummy.

then after lunch, we decided since it was such a pretty day that we would go to mount cheaha and go hiking. so i paged a good friend of ours, marianne, and asked if she and her dog wanted to go. we all went and walked and listened to the stream and waterfalls...it was a great day....see the pictures below!!!

we came home from hiking and were excited about taking a bath/shower, getting clean, eating supper, and resting the remainder of the night...

well, as you all know, satan is always at work trying to knock us off our game..... ; )

justin went to preheat the oven so we could cook our dinner and about 5 minutes later - while we were upstairs the fire alarm starts going off and we go downstairs to check and see what was happening and we see our oven with flames on the inside....pretty much destroying our oven....luckily we have neighbors with fire extinguishers and the fire dept arrived and unhooked the oven and got all smoke out of the house...

this is what our oven NOW looks like......like i said, praise the Lord, the fire stayed contained and nothing else was damaged.....

what an eventful sunday afternoon!!!!

what keeps me occupied

2009-03-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

SKETCH

this is our new addition, his name is sketch because he tends to act a little sketchy! we love him, yes even justin loves him - but you'll have a hard time getting him to admit to that. sketch has been a good dose of laughter for me during rough times...

this was taken last sunday when we had a good bit of snow....he didn't like it that everyone was outside playing and he was stuck inside!!!

this is just us....nothing special and definitely not looking our best, but we DID have a good time playing in snow...i forget how fun snowball fights can be!!! : )

what to do with my time...

2009-03-03T08:49:00.001-08:00

so, its currently 10:49a.m. on tuesday morning....so far this morning i have walked for 30 minutes in the 20 degree weather, taken a shower, fed the cat, cleaned two toilets, washed a load of clothes, sent emails, ate breakfast, played on facebook, made a zoology test for my sophomores at school, talked to my sister, and now i am blogging.... i pretty bored. other than summer time i usually don't get to be at home during the day and even during the summer i get bored after a week of being at home....i don't like idle time - idleness is reserved for saturdays!

anyway, so what tends to happen is i sit here and then i start looking at pictures of maddox and i start thinking about what i would be doing if she was here, and then i get down....its been 1 week and 5 days since our beautiful baby was born and things are slowing down....i know that we can't or maddie can't be in the forefront of everyone's mind, but she's in MINE and i feel she's important enough to be remembered. after looking at other women's blogs about their angel babies - it's inspired me to start doing something for others. actually, its two sided....i figure i'll be helping other people (be it men, women, teens, kids, or babies), but at the same time i'll also be continuing my daughter's legacy...

my mom made a comment on one of my posts and it's really stuck with me....she said that maddie had a "purposed driven life" (if i've blogged on this, please forgive me - my memory still comes and goes!)....think about that...psalm 139 says that God formed her inside my womb and he numbered her days and he knew exactly what she would be doing...it says the the same in jeremiah 29:11 - He KNEW the plans for her...he has given her hope and a future- it just happens to be living with Jesus, than with mommy and daddy. God used loni and justin hodge of moody, al, to bring this wonderfully special little girl into the world and although according to the medical world - she was never alive ----SHE WAS ALIVE IN ME....i heard her heart beating on a weekly basis and although it wasn't often (not near as often as i would have liked) i believe i did feel her move- so SHE was alive...but the greatest thing of all is that God planned to use maddie's story to impact others. God formed this precious baby and said this is your job - people have told me that maddie's footprint in the world may have been small physically, but she's already left a BIGGER footprint than either of us (her mommy and daddy) could ever leave.

there are days that i sit here and get bitter and angry - like i've said before...but there are more times that i sit and think what a TRUE miracle she was.....no, some of my prayers didn't get answered....God didn't allow her to be born alive, He didn't allow me to hear her breathe or hear her cry...but God did allow me to be her MOTHER, and He allowed me to hold that baby and love on her earthly body...He let me kiss her, hold her, rub her, and take pictures with her...but, i'm sure you are asking - what's the miracle - this is the miracle....with a diagnosis like triploidy babies tend to present problems such as -

Ø fetal growth restriction - maddie had
Ø partial hydatidiform mole (the placenta and fetus are partially comprised of vesicular villous structures resembling grapes)
macrocephaly (abnormally large head) - maddie's head was no larger than a baby that size
Ø hydrocephaly (an abnormal condition in which cerebrospinal fluid collects in the ventricles of the brain)
Ø holoprosencephaly (condition where the fetal brain does not grow forward and divide)
Ø micrognathia (abnormal smallness of the jaw) - had
Ø microphthalmia (abnormal smallness of the eye)
Ø bulbous nose
Ø small mouth - had
Ø malformed and low set ears
Ø coloboma of the eye (a defect of the iris caused by failure of tissue of the eyeball to fuse properly)
Ø cataracts
Ø cleft lip and/or palate
Ø webbing (syndactyly) of the third and fourth digits of the hands or feet - had - family trait!
Ø simian crease of the hand (a single crease on the palm of the hand where people normally have three)
Ø rocker bottom feet
Ø ventricular septal defects (one or more holes in the muscular wall that separate the right and left ventricles of the heart)
Ø atrial septal defects (a hole in the two upper chambers of the heart)
Ø pulmonary hypoplasia (incomplete development of lung tissue)
Ø diaphragmatic hernia (when part of the stomach protrudes through the diaphragm)
Ø intestinal malrotation (mechanical obstruction caused by abnormal intestinal development)
Ø cystic kidney (fluid filled sacs in the kidneys)
Ø adrenal hypoplasia (the adrenal gland does not produce enough adrenaline)
Ø ovarian hypoplasia (absence of ovaries in females)
Ø abnormal male genitalia including hypospadias (when the urethra opens under the surface of the penis), micropenis and undescended testicles

out of 25 possible anomalies - maddie had 4 - but the webbing of the fingers, was a God thing- its also a maddox family thing! (i love it) so TRY and tell me that my beautiful angel wasn't a miracle...look at everything that she could have had - and she only had the minimal... she had perfectly formed hands and feet, long, long legs (with big knee caps - that's from her daddy!) a beautiful little mouth and big pretty eyes, a head full of hair, perfectly designed lips, and ears... plus all the research i have done on triploidy says that most women spontaneously abort (miscarry) their babies between 7-17 weeks gestation - typically, you don't make it far enough to find the diagnosis..wikipedia says that RARELY some triploidy babies make it to 5 months gestation....HA well i have news for you - my little miracle was at 27 weeks gestation the last time we heard her sweet heart...27 weeks that's the beginning of the 3rd trimester...that's nearly unheard of with a triploidy baby....IN YOUR FACE statistics!

so now that we're all on the same page - maddox is a miracle - miracle maddie would've been her nickname!!! help me find a way to honor my girl..

i want to do something, in some way for other people who have lost, but for other people maybe not as fortunate as me, or babies who are sick, or men and women who need help...or even for local animal shelters....so, fellow followers of maddie's story - give me your ideas...i'm open...oh and if anyone wants to teach me to crochet so i can make blankets, i'd love you forever!!!

dear gracious Father- you are indeed awesome and you form such beautiful miracles! thank you for choosing to be maddie's mommy. thank you for such a beautiful and purpose driven baby. Lord, use my girl to touch other's, to heal families, and to bring people to know what a loving, giving, and caring God you are. thank you for taking over my responsibilities with maddox - thank you for loving on her and telling her how beautiful she is....Lord, watch over all my friends, my family, and my fellow bloggers - show them that you CARE for them, show your love to them....heal their hurting hearts, acknowledge their needs, and through it all let them bring glory to your name! i praise you for the works you've done in me...Lord, i quote Psalms 139 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." we also praise you for maddox - she too, was fearfully and wonderfully made....Lord, i'll never stop singing your praises.....you are awesome! watch over us today - keep us safe and help us to spread your love to those around us! it is in your holy and wonderful name we pray -AMEN!!!

just if you're wondering....it's now 12:08 p.m. : )

what is fair???

2009-02-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

so, i've been wanting to write this blog all week, but haven't gotten around to it, until now...and haven't really known what exactly i wanted to say......

this week has been better physically - my body is healing and we are getting back to normal. however, emotionally, i think i'm worse.....i've had more ROUGH nights this week than i had last week....since getting back all of maddox's pictures from stephanie (the pinckard family - on my blog list), i've looked at them EVERY night and i think about things i should have done or should have gotten for her....i think about should i have held her longer or asked to see her again, before we left the hospital..... I DONT KNOW...when i do my "what ifs" or "i should'ves" to justin, he just reminds me that i did everything i could and we saw her as much as i should've....but as her mom...i don't know...

so, during my moments of anger, frustration, and extreme sadness i tend to say "its just NOT fair.....its NOT FAIR" but ya know, i stopped and thought about that the other night....maybe its not fair (and i tell my students that life isn't fair ALL THE TIME), but honestly, would it be fair if it happened to a friend of mine or even a woman who lived in my neighborhood?? NO, it wouldn't be fair for anyone to go through this....so i guess i should start saying "i don't like it...i just DON'T LIKE IT'.....i know many of you and many other people think that i've taken this whole situation and made the best out of it, but if you could see me at home with justin....I GET ANGRY. i don't like that the birth of my precious, wonderful daughter made my husband and i become parents - but we have no child to take care of......i told my aunt yesterday that i HATE that i have the title of "mother" but i have NONE of the responsibilities.....mundane tasks such as going to the grocery store and passing the diaper and baby food isle just makes me BITTER.......

so, in the days, weeks, months, and years to come - please keep praying for us....pray that God will comfort us as each day passes...that He will heal our hearts and help us to cope with the great loss that we have endured.

today is one week from the day we celebrated maddox's short, sweet life.....

dear heavenly Father, thank your for the grace, love, and provisions that you have provided to justin and me during this stormy time. You've provided for us when we weren't sure we would make it and we stand in awe of your love. dear Lord, thank you for the wonderful host of friends and family that you have blessed us with. please bless those who have blessed us....we've had so many people send cards and bring us meals and we are thankful for each and every prayer that has gone up for us and for each person that has come in our lives....

thank you for sisters who take up for each other and thank you for brothers and brother in laws.....family has come to mean so much more since maddie's birth....Jesus, please continue to let maddie's story reach people and touch lives...Lord, i pray that people would come to know you and your sufficient grace. we will continue to praise you, because you love us and you meet our needs! thank you for the doctors that have come into our lives and who hold a special place, thank you for all other mommies who have lost babies, thank you for their stories and their witness - continue to heal us all. be with those mommies who are pregnant again, i pray that they would have a healthy pregnancy. we love you and we will continue to proclaim your name...you are Lord and you are worthy of all our praise. all this i pray in Jesus's name -AMEN.

this is our angel

2009-02-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

i've been waiting to post pictures of my precious girl, and today i got in the mail the beautiful pictures that stephanie pinckard took for us....what a blessing she was. steph did a great job and she'll never know just how truly blessed to recieve her services....i'm glad she was able to be there and meet my baby and give us the best gift ever....pictures of maddox that will last a lifetime....stephanie we love you and we are forever grateful!

* just a warning - there is only one picture of her face and its a colored pencil sketch that stephanie did - i think it's beautiful, but then again all pictures of her are beautiful.....the other pictures are of her hands and feet; keep in mind she was only 14 oz and was measuring the size of a 21 week baby - she's very tiny - so if these make you uncomfortable, then i'm sorry. she's our angel and we love her! *

maddox elise hodge - 2/19/09

her most precious hand

holding daddy's hand - sooo sweet

her sweet foot -she's a product of mommy and daddy's love

our sweet angel - we're so in love

blessed by God to be her parents

this is our girl and boy do we love her so....everyday is a day of learning and coping. hearing from people who talk about how they've been touched by maddie helps a lot and makes us even more proud to be her mommy and daddy.

thanks to everyone who has been involved....i'll keep thanking you as long as i'm able, because your support has meant so much.....

be blessed and be thankful - for God is good all the time!

in the days since....

2009-02-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

so, i again was reminded by stephanie that people still check our blog to see what's happening (well maybe only steph, but HEY at least someone is checking it!) so, i guess i should let you guys know how things have been..

first, i want to say that God is SO SO GOOD. i'm so different from who i was 6 months ago, but yet, i'm so much better. i'm now a mommy to a beautiful baby girl, but a baby girl that is now an angel in heaven worshipping our Lord. God has taught me to love on a whole new level; He's revealed things to me that i didn't see before. God has also blessed my family with such an amazing group of friends and loved ones and He knew who would be there and who would back down from the challenge...erin, marianne, dee, kathy c, teresa s, brooke h, vera, beth, michael, christa, and stephanie, just to name a few (i know there are many more i've forgotten - forgive me), but you guys will always be family to me and my family and there are no words to describe how much we love you.

now, onto maddie's celebration service......beautiful, calm, God honoring, and loving - it really was!

maddie's service was 2-21-09, grave side at highland memorial gardens. pastor bj price, from our church - first baptist church trussville lead the service. he did a remarkable job; he praised the Lord for maddie's life, he explained the wonderful gift God has for each of us - salvation, and he sang a beautiful song in maddie's honor. as her parents, justin and i couldn't have been more satisfied and pleased. dee johnston graciously interpreted for us - i have many dear friends who are Deaf and it meant a lot for dee to be there to interpret!

the people who were able to attend her celebration service did their best to wear pink to celebrate her sweet life. there were many people there i had not seen in a long time, there were also people there that i didn't even know, but knew other members of our family. we had a great afternoon honoring our sweet girl and being PROUD to be her parents. justin and i weren't as upset as we thought we would be. don't get me wrong- there were times when we were blubbering babies, but over all we knew that God's grace was su

fficient and we knew maddie was there with us, watching out for us, and we KNEW (better yet, we prayed) that her life would not be in vein, but that someone would know God in a real way and lives would be changed.

now that everything is over...justin and i have been just sitting at home reflecting on the past few months. we're tired, worn, and relieved all at once. i'm worn out and tired both emotionally and physically - but i'm healing.

maddie will always be our baby and we'll celebrate her life for as long as we have on earth.
we love you maddox elise - thank you for changing our lives and teaching us how to love - we'll remember you always. love - your mommy and daddy

dear Lord- thank you again for allowing us the opportunity to be parents to this beautiful girl. keep us in your arms during the coming months and years as there will be times that won't be easy and won't be fun, but Lord we know that YOU alone can carry us through. Jesus thank you for our family - for lori and lacy and what an inspiration they've been to us and what a help they have been during hard times. thank you for parents and grandparents that are supportive and loving. God keep us from being bitter and angry - and let us always rejoice and praise because we know we are "fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know THAT full well". Thank you for making all things GOOD and for giving us the life you have. we will continue to praise you in good times and in bad. Lord, i thank you for my amazing husband and how wonderful he has been for me. he lifts me up, cares for me, and loves on me like no one else can. last, but not least, sweet Jesus - thank you again for all our friends and how wonderful they have been. bless those who have blessed us. be with all those people who have brought dinners, sent gifts, and donated to my kids at school. pour out your love on them and bless them richly. be with those moms who have walked our road and who are traveling it now- give them the peace that you gave us and let them know they aren't alone. heal the sick and provide for the poor- we know your grace and love is enough and i pray that those who are curious or lost would come to know the wonderful love that is YOU. bless and keep us - watch over us and protect us. we'll praise you always for you alone deserve our praise. i'll love you forever because you first loved me. i pray all this is Jesus's sweet and holy name - AMEN

maddox's obituary

2009-02-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

Maddox Elise Hodge
HODGE, MADDOX ELISE Our precious angel Maddie Elise met our Heavenly Father on February 19, 2009 at 1:20 p.m. She is survived by her Daddy and Mommy, Justin and Loni Hodge of Moody, Alabama; her grandparents, Doug and Jennifer Hodge of Birmingham, Reggie and Terri Lamons of McCalla (formerly Pleasant Grove); great-grandparents, Mrs. Velma Hodge and Mrs. Peggy Owens of Birmingham, James and Rae Maddox of Pleasant Grove, and Pauline Lamons of Hueytown. She was preceded in death by her great-grandfather, Luther B. Lamons. She was the beautiful niece of Brannon and Lori Goodrich, Lacy and Jeb Jones, Cole Hodge and Trevor Hodge. She will be greatly missed by her family, four cousins and a host of friends. Services will be held Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 1 pm at Highland Memorial Gardens, Bessemer Alabama. Pastor BJ Price officiating. In lieu of flowers the Parents request donations be sent to The Alabama School of the Deaf - High School Department Indigent Children Fund (attn Renee Payne).

Psalms 139:13-14 "For you formed my inward parts, You covered me in my mothers womb, I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

what a beautiful angel we have

2009-02-20T05:21:00.000-08:00

maddox elise hodge was born yesterday afternoon at 1:20p.m. weighing 14oz and was 12 1/2 inches long. this, of course, was when her body was delivered, but we were told her little soul and spirit met the Lord several days ago!

after the sweet nurses got her cleaned up and dressed in her beautiful pink gown, we were able to see and hold her, and get some beautiful pictures of her. our time together was sweet and beautiful, I held the most gorgeous baby i had ever seen and i thanked God for him allowing me to be her mommy. i am blessed so much by that tiny little girl.

God is truly amazing. He formed this beautiful little girl and made her perfect in every way. she had gorgeous light brown/blonde hair like her daddy and she also had his nose. she had the sweetest mouth and hands. i think the only thing she got from me was her feet, they were huge!!! she is truly a MADDOX, because my great grandfather, Leslie Maddox, who would be her great great grandfather had 2 webbed fingers on one of his hands...and don't know you that this little maddox had on her right hand her middle finger and ring finger webbed just like her great great papaw...and now they are in heaven together and he's lovin on her and they are fishing and she's also up there with my grand father, L.B. Lamons, and God only knows what kinds of stories he's telling her!!! But regardless of that fact, i know that maddie is heaven with some people who were much loved and still missed here on earth and i know that she will be well taken care of. our Father in heaven is the best father she can have and He's right there with her, loving on her, hugging her and keeping her safe.

arrangements for maddox elise have been made and they are as follows:
Grave side service tomorrow, Saturday (2/21/09) for family and friends at 1:00 at the Highland Memorial Gardens in Bessemer, AL (3115 18th Avenue North, Bessemer, AL 35020). We will have interpreter(s) provided. We have asked that in lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to the Alabama School for the Deaf - High School Department's Indigent Children Fund in memory of Maddox Elise Hodge. For more information on that you can contact Mrs. Renee Payne at 256-761-3246.

Thank you all again for the blessings that you have been to justin, our families, and myself. we'll never be able to repay you, but you'll always be in our prayers....

Jesus, I know you are watching out for my sweet angel, but please take care of us too. her mommy and daddy are down here hurting and sad and it's all we can do to carry on. Lord please hold our baby and tell her how much we love her and miss her and how excited we are to be her parents. we look to you to provide comfort and peace to us in this dark time of need. Lord, we cry out to you to heal our hearts and walk with us every step of the way. the healing process is only just beginning and we are lost without our little girl. PLEASE PLEASE hold us and heal our broken hearts. Jesus, I praise you in this dark time, and in this valley, for i have so many things to be thankful for. i praise you for a husband like justin, who is strong and encouraging and i thank you for allowing maddox the opportunity to have a daddy like him. i also thank you for the most wonderful friends and family that you have blessed us with. Lord for each person that has prayed (and we know many have been), for each person that has called, sent messages, cards, flowers, or visited- Lord i ask that you bless them in a supernatural way. that you would show favor on their lives for the consideration and love they have shown to us. keep us strong and together for the coming days. Lord be with BJ has he leads maddie's service tomorrow. please speak through him and use Him to tell the great news about Jesus! Precious God, i have no more words, only cries for help. i'm trusting you more now than ever before and i know that you are going to bring something wonderful out of such a tragedy. Lord, let Maddox's story live on forever, and let people know what a great and powerful miracle she was to so many. You work for the good of those who love you and we CLING to you now in this time....i ask all these things in the powerful, mighty name of Jesus.....AMEN

update from UAB L&D

2009-02-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

good evening everyone -
yes, i'm blogging...you would be too if you had a day like mine!! today has been one of those stir crazy days where you just want to get outside the 4 walls!!

we got here at 7 this morning, got admitted and put up in a room. got vitals done, medical intake, etc. the plan was this morning to start an IV, start a pitocin drip to begin the contractions.
they explained that they DIDN'T want to break my water for medical reasons...so they devised another plan to get my body to start dilating. everything got inserted, started, poked and so on and we began to wait....they said that we were waiting til i dilated to 4cm.....well a few hours passed, i was checked...NOPE no progress....visitors come and go....speed up to 6:00pm, approximately 10 hours later....checked dilated to.........1cm (insert a not happy face). i decided to get the epidural around 3ish, not really for pain but for other reasons, best not listed here and because nurses were encouraging me before contractions got to bad to sit still....

anesthesia came in and proceeded with the epidural - which my body did not like...my blood pressure got really low (60/40 - something like that) and i nearly passed out with the needle still in my back......not good! bp started to slowly climb back up and the dizzy, light-headed feeling became less intense and the needle close to my spine was replaced by tube....aaaahhhhhhh

epidural kicked in, lower half of the body numb and tingly, bp at an acceptable level, and i wasn't feeling any contractions!

anyway, its 10:15 on wednesday night and i haven't dilated past 1cm....the lovely doctors and nurses here have stopped my epidural and pitocin and have allowed me to EAT...yummy so good. we will wait until about midnight and start back up all the medicines.

we are still waiting and will keep everyone updated as soon as something happens, right now we're just waiting around...

please continue to pray for us and pray that God will give us peace and comfort and that we would rejoice in the fact that God is in control and He has a reason for everything. God is good and we know everything has been ordained by Him....

thank you for praying today, please continue as each prayer helps us tremendously......

we send you all our love....

the hardest day

2009-02-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

unfortunately, i sit here and type this blog with a heavy heart and an angry soul....we had our weekly appointment this afternoon and maddox's little heart was no longer beating. she's been taken home with Jesus and He's made her perfect and new.
justin and i are devastated and upset and we are trying to prepare for the next couple of days.

i don't have a lot to say. i'm sad and crushed and angry and heartbroken. i'm trying to pray for God's peace and understanding - i don't want to be bitter.

here are the plans for tomorrow. we will be going to UAB tomorrow morning at 7:00 to be induced and that's really all we know.

hopefully justin will be able to update more tomorrow after things settle down.

just a quick word to everyone who has followed the blog, called, emailed, sent texts, cards, and prayed: God has truly shown us how blessed we are. we are amazed by all of your love, care, and concern. we will never be able to express how grateful we are for your support these past few months. we love you all and we ask that you pray more now than before for peace and comfort.
we are praying that God will reveal to us His plan and that people would be touched and blessed by maddox's story.

super bowl fun

2009-02-15T13:29:00.001-08:00

these are pictures from our super bowl party with our sunday school class. justin and i have been blessed by such a fun, sweet, caring group of people! in these pictures we all had on our 3d glasses, ready for the super bowl commercial.

yours truly

justin and loni hodge

todd and erin caudel and their cute son, grayson!

-thanks for the glasses, erin!-

will and amanda wardle

josh and kellie alvis

dustin and leslie boyd

-they're expecting a son this summer!-

cute bags

2009-02-15T12:46:00.000-08:00

as some of you know i sell "thirty-one" products. 31 is a faith-based company that sells monogrammed bags, purses, thermal lunchboxes, tin buckets, candles, etc. i started doing this a year ago, because i wanted to buy so many of the bags, i thought i'd try to sell them and just get them for free! justin fell for it and i've gotten a lot of cute things since! everytime i get an order in, it looks like christmas in our living room! I LOVE IT, justin, loves it not as much!

so anyway, to take a break from the everyday blogging of our life and maddie's situation. i thought i'd show you some of the cute bags that just came in!

more good news

2009-02-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

sorry its been a few days since my last post...(i'm only saying that, incase anyone has been checking - i'll just pretend someone has!)

anyway, we had our weekly appointment today. everything still looks good so far! her heart rate sounded good and it was in the 130s (no one told me an exact #), we're still measuring at the correct week, and my blood pressure was normal.

so, yay, for one more week of answered prayers and one more week with miss maddox!

the plan is to go back next tuesday for our next appointment, and i'll have to get a 3rd Rho-Gam shot, which if you've never had one...THEY FREAKIN' HURT... not looking forward to that!

so prayer requests for this week:

we're still praying for a miracle
if that's not in God's plan, pray that we get to meet maddox on this side of heaven, regardless of how long we're given with her
pray that the doctors and staff would be compassionate and understanding - pray that we may be a witness to them
i pray that maddox is born and the doctors are completely stumped and she is proof of the mighty works of God
pray for me and maddox----the doctors tell me i am safe to travel. i'm assistant coach for our school's academic bowl team and our one south east competition is next weekend the 19-22 in eastern north carolina. the doctor says i'm fine to travel, but i'm apprehensive about going. so pray God will give me peace about going and discernment to make the right decision.
pray that God would use maddox for a great work- so that more people now what God can do!

today - was an 'okay' day for me today...but the best part of my day (second to hearing maddie's heart beat) was getting a short, sweet email from my brother in law, brannon. he sent me and justin an email telling us he was thinking about all three of us today...that really made my day. i love getting unsuspected emails from loved ones.

sorry, i waited so long to post, i heard some people in opelika were getting worried!

have a great friday and a wonderful valentine's day!

scrap

2009-02-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

i was tagged by my sister, lacy, to "honestly scrap" about myself. who knew there were rules for "scrapping"?

they are:
A. first list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!
B. pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

my scrap ~
1. i, like my sister, try to be a people pleaser. i will agree to any job, or extra curricular activity without thinking, then when it comes time for the job, sometimes i don't want to do it!

2. i'm just like my dad, in the fact that i'm a home body....i'd prefer to have 100 people at my house if that means i don't have to drive anywhere....i just like to be in MY house!

3. there isn't a subject in school that i am really good in...lori is great at math, lacy is great at english...and i, well, i LIKE science (hence, why i teach it) but great at it....nope, not me

4. justin tells me on a regular basis that i am just like my mom....because when you are talking to her she'll give you this fake smile and justin says my expressions are just like hers!!!

5. before i was a deaf education major, i was a pre-med major, who wanted to be a pediatric oncologist.....i still talk about going back to med school at some point...(wishful thinking)

6. the first time i met justin, i knew that he was going to be my husband. i told my friend, latasha, that he was going to be my husband...she thought i was crazy. maybe i was crazy, but i was right!

7. speaking of justin, we only dated for 2 months before we got engaged.....that's okay, i knew he was mine...and he's proven to be the best husband - God designed us to compliment each other and i love, love, love him for that

8. i tend to be a little bossy....i don't mean to its just my personality.....however, that comes in handy when i'm at work with stubborn high schoolers

9. i'm scared to death of the day that we go to the doctor and maddox has gone on to heaven. every week as they are trying to find her heartbeat - i close my eyes, pray, and say not today maddie, not today.....

10. i think that i have one of the best moms and mother in laws around....i think my sisters are the best moms to my nieces and well......i'm just scared that i'll never be ready to try again and i'll never get to follow in my sisters' footsteps.

Let's see......how about: i don't have many blogger friends- so let's see
jennifer currey
jill smith
julie mc cay
jennifer cotton
lindsey lovoy
kim davis
stephanie p (but i think lacy got you too!)

meet maddox elise

2009-02-04T09:22:00.001-08:00

this is OUR BABY GIRL! i hope you can see what is labeled in the picture, she was being some kind of contortionist during the ultrasound by pulling her knees/feet up by her head!

this first picture is her showing us her fists! she's probably pretty feisty!!!

this is her super long leg (or at least it looks long to us!) she had this left leg straight out!!

you can tell how she was laying from this view you see how her spine is curved cause she is bending her neck...this is one of MY favorite pictures.....i think its cute!

now you can really see how "balled" up she was. her head and her feet were folded up next to each other! this is so funny! this isn't the first time she's curled up, she did this during a previous ultrasound!

this is the only picture we got of her face...she still looks like an "alien" cause its not a 3D pic, but due to her size, position, and amount of fluid around her we couldn't get a 3D....but you can see her eye sockets and the bottom black circle was her mouth...she was talking to us at this time.. :)

now that you've met our precious maddox, continue to pray that she will grow and she will get bigger. pray that her chromosome disorder will be healed by Jesus and she will be a living, breathing miracle. i pray that the doctors would be in awe when she is born because of their disbelief. i pray that they wouldn't be able to give us answers when maddie defies all odds. we know God has the power and the ability to do it and we pray he will heal her!

thanks for standing in agreement with us!

our little survivor!!

2009-02-04T06:22:00.000-08:00

doctor's appointment yesterday was much better than last week's!!! we were back at uab, but we saw a different doctor. yesterday we saw dr. ramsey, he was very nice and easy to talk to. i asked him a lot of the same questions i asked last week and although i got pretty much the same answers, he was able to explain why he gave the answers he did and what we could try to do! oh and another reason i like dr. ramsey is because he let me have an ULTRASOUND yesterday!! i was SO excited, not to mention we had a great tech, THANKS AMY!!!! (amy is interning with mom and just happens to work at the MFM clinic! - you're a blessing, amy- thank you!)

so to give you the run down of the appointment. i haven't been gaining weight....i've actually lost a pound since last week. my blood pressure was really good (despite the stressful drive from talladega to birmingham). i gave them all my numbers from checking my blood sugar and because my numbers were so good, i don't have to continue checking it everyday, just once a week at the appointment. i still have to stay on the diabetic diet, though (it's not as bad as i thought it would be). i'm measuring 27 weeks gestation, but according to my due date i'm 26 weeks along.

now, onto maddox! after a slight scare we found her heartbeat(the nurse had a hard time finding it on the doppler)! then we were able to hear it again and count the beats during our ultrasound! her heart rate was 142 bpm. amy told us that she weighs approximately 14 oz, we couldn't get a good measure of everything because the position she was in. from the measurements that we got, she's only measuring 21 weeks old (remember, i'm 26 weeks), so she's grown some since my last ultrasound but not a lot.

my good friend marianne says that she was just practicing her yoga. maddox had her legs straight out (like she was sitting on the floor) and her body folded down on top of her legs!!! her head was resting on her knees - she's much more limber than mommy and daddy!! during the ultrasound we were able to see her "talk" to us! she just moved that little mouth, like she was telling us something important! (mom says that she's truly my child!) amy tried to get us a good 3D picture of her face, but i don't have a lot of amniotic fluid around the baby (because she is so small) it would be hard to get a good clear picture. (thanks for trying though, amy!)

if you don't know my one big gripe about ultrasounds, i'll tell you about it. anytime i went for an ultrasound and i asked for pictures of her they would say "oh, i'm sorry, we're not allowed to print pictures if we're just checking for a heartbeat..." or "oh we can only print one or two" that's BULL, because i can't tell you how many times i've been sitting in the waiting room and a pretty blonde woman comes in and un rolls her ROLL of pictures (i'm talking 15-20 pictures), that just aggravated me...so yesterday at the MFM clinic, i got to "be the blonde girl" and amy gave me a great ROLL of pictures of maddie! so since, i have some good pictures, i'll scan them and you can "officially" meet maddox later this afternoon!

thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. keep them coming, please. my sister told me i should post the prayer pager number so if you want it, it's 334-742-5266. when you say a prayer for maddie just call that number and press 111 and it'll page us! we've been getting a lot of prayers and we are thankful every time the pager vibrates!!!

hope your wednesday is awesome!

prayer pager

2009-02-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

so, my sweet sister, lacy has been awesome during this time of darkness. our relationship has gotten better - we talk more, and see each other more and i'm truly thankful for her!

she has an awesome group of friends in opelika/auburn that have sent words of encouragement, emails, and most helpful, prayers!

lacy's church, first baptist church of opelika, has a 'prayer pager' ministry. you request a pager if you are going through a rough time and would like to have people praying for you. so lacy and a friend of hers, thought it would be a good idea to send justin and me a pager. i got it in the mail on saturday and called to have it "activated" or whatever you call it! basically what happens is that FBCO puts our prayer request in the bulletin along with the pager number and anytime someone says a prayer for maddox they page us. its been really exciting. justin was so excited to tell me that we got 3 pages on saturday. i'm wearing it today and justin and i will alternate days, but so far today i've gotten like 10 pages and its not even lunch time! this pager is an instant pick me up, because every time it vibrates i know that someone has just been petitioning God on maddox's behalf!

so FBCO, lacy, stephanie, tamara, tippi, and others - thank you for your prayers, your posts, and your encouragement.

lacy, i love you more than you know - you're an awesome sister and i'm making sure maddox hears all about you!

(lori, i love you too so don't think that i don't appreciate you - its just that you've always called (early) ;) )

been a few days....

2009-02-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

it's been a boring few days around our house. we've had a couple of bad days recently and those days just SUCK. you know when something goes wrong and you feel like "oh no, what am i going to do" - then just after you close your mouth from saying that something else happens???? yeah, that's been our luck!! :)
it's my opinion - that this is by far the worst time of mine and justin's lives, so when other stuff happens it seems so trivial...we both got paid this past friday - i'm anal about paying the bills and making sure everything is balanced and paid! so i first write out our tithe, because that's a substantial chunk out of our budget. (it's not always easy to write that check, but God tells us to be obedient and he will reward our faithfulness) then goes the mortgage, both mine and justin's student loans, car payment, and water/sewer. after all that is taken care of we have enough $ to buy groceries for the next 2 weeks and get gas for 2 weeks (+ a little extra usually). well, saturday justin goes to take our cars to get an oil change and my car gets changed (more $) and he goes back to take his truck and there's water in his oil, which suggests something is wrong. OH GREAT! we've just gotten this truck and now something is wrong...grrrr (its nothing that could've been prevented just frustrating, ya know!) so i get home and justin is upset, cause he doesn't want to pay to have it fixed cause typically, car problems always cost more than you have; so as we're sitting there trying to relax and not stress we start the dishwasher and it smells like something is burning....SOMETHING ELSE, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME...

anyway, enough of the violin playing and being a debbie downer - i just wanted to get all that off my chest. dishwasher hasn't burned up yet, truck is in the shop being assessed, and the best part - maddox's is still hanging on.

we don't go to the doctor today; they made our appointment for tomorrow at 3:00, so i'll know more about how she's doing tomorrow.

so, onto better and brighter things. church yesterday was great, as usual. God speaks through various people and brings me relevant messages for my life. after church a friend, amanda, and i went to visit with ashley (one of our sunday school teachers). ashley and bryan have been mentioned on here before- they just recently lost their little girl - preterm labor. so please be in prayer for them- they are great people of faith and they know God has a plan and he never leaves them. ashley and bryan - we love you and are constantly in prayer for you!

the last part of this blog will be about our gathering last night. justin and i had our sunday school class over to watch the super bowl/commercials! we have been truly blessed to have joined a great class like ours. we love our classmates and we are developing great lasting relationships! so amanda, will, kellie, josh, dustin, leslie, erin, and todd - thanks for coming over last night and enjoying the night with us! you guys are a blessing to us and we are grateful for each of you!

and the winner is.......

2009-01-26T18:49:00.000-08:00

ME, i won, i won! what'd i win, you ask??? i won an appointment with the nutritionist today after my doctor's appointment!

let me replay the end of my appointment this morning. i admitted that i had not had my glucose test yet and i purposely did not eat this morning hoping (kinda) that they would go ahead and do it so i wouldn't have to come back. the nurse offered me orange, lemon-lime, or cola flavored sludge and i chose the only one familiar to me; orange. i got it down in 4 gulps *shutters* and tried to keep myself from letting it come back up. we went through our appointment and waited another 30 minutes, when finally i was called back by katrese, one of our nurses! she pricks my finger and we wait a minute, then she slowly turns to me and says "when was the last time you ate anything?", "um, i guess about 6:00p.m. last night, i ate tomato soup and a grilled cheese, why?" katrese says, "well your blood sugar was 237" (i'm thinking, i know that can't be good, but how bad am i???) she continues with "...and our cut off is, 135!" OH NO....no good! then katrese says "you won, your the winner!!! you get to meet with our nutritionist today! go you!"

i just had to laugh at her, because she was determined to keep me upbeat and smiling at my appointment. so anyway, i'll be checking my blood sugar daily and eat from a planned menu that the nutritionist gave me, and we'll see what happens next week!

the rest of the appointment went well. i still miss dr. hudson and the doctor we saw today definitely doesn't hold a candle to his personality and compassion, but she'll do, i guess....my blood pressure was 110/74 and justin commented, "wow, the past two weeks your bp has been really good" to that i simply said, "yes because the past two appointments i have been off work and not been stressed!!!" he nodded in agreement, knowing that i was right!! we found maddox's heartbeat FAST! i lit up and was thrilled, she's still fightin' with a heart rate of 150 bpm!
GO MADDOX!!!!!

in my previous post, i mentioned that we would ask the doctor about scheduling a day to induce...well, that's not going to happen. the doctor said that it was too risky and they didn't want to put me in a position where i could need a c-section, unless is was absolutely necessary. we were just told we'd have to wait....and wait we will. God only gave me the bare minimum in the patience department, so it's through this time that God says, "we're gonna work on your patience and you're going to learn to trust me and let it go" - we're still working, but i do have faith - my God is STRONG, and He knows what He's doing...

on a side note, they cancelled our ultrasound appointment today :( i wasn't too happy about that. so we'll go back next week (on Tuesday, i think) and we'll check her heart rate and my bp, once more! we'll let you know how things progress - in the meantime - keep praying for this precious, precious baby. she's perfect in God's eyes and He has plans for her, plans to give her hope and a future (whether that future is with her earthly mommy and daddy, or with her Heavenly Father). we are trusting God for a miracle and we pray that you trust with us!

hope your monday went well and hope this week is the best week of the year!

God knows just what we need

2009-01-25T17:57:00.000-08:00

it seems that whenever we're in a situation or a "storm" in our life, God comes along to show us that we're not alone. He comes in the form of friends, family, sweet cards, and timely messages and studies at church...

today was one of those days. the title of the sermon today was "faith that floats" and the passage used was Matthew 14:22-33
"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of Him to the other side, while He dismissed the crowd. After He had dismissed them, He went up on a mountainside by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffered by the waves because the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw Him walking on the lade they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid. "Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and , beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped Him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

so basically pastor buddy was explaining that God was aware of where He was sending the disciples. He knew that they were going out into a storm and that they would be afraid, but He did that so that they could demonstrate their faith in God. God was coming out to help them and He called peter to take courage in Him that He would save them. He called peter to step out off the boat and have faith and walk to Him. when peter's faith started to waver, he began to sink and called out to God to save him. God approached peter and pulled him up from sinking.

God knew exactly where He was sending justin and me. He knew that it would not be a fun time or place to be, but He knew what was going to happen and He calls us to step out and have faith in Him so that he may be glorified. God says when we step out in faith and acknowledge God is in control, then He will reward us beyond our imagination.

Hebrews 11:6 - And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

"In my life journey, I have found time and time again that God changes the parameters of my faith. He increases His expectations of me." - Erwin McManus

we just feel that where ever God calls us, we will go and though we may not like the 'storms' God gives us, we know that our 'storms' will expand our faith and make us stronger.

that's why i chose the title i did for this blog. if you've never heard the song "praise you in this storm" by casting crowns - then i suggest you find it and listen. here are the lyrics and they pretty much sum up the way we feel.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

may God call each of you to step out in faith and we pray that you would follow God no matter how rough your storm is. know that we're here praying for you all. we are blessed by each of you.

**a separate prayer request is for my sunday school teachers, ashley and bryan. they are expecting their first child and she is about 18 weeks pregnant. ashley had some complications this week and has been put on bed rest for an unknown amount of time. please join with us in lifting them up in their time of need.**

mondays are my worst days and my best days

2009-01-25T16:42:00.000-08:00

well, its sunday night and anxiety and apprehension has set in and i'm ready for our weekly monday appointment to be here and to know what's happening.

i say that mondays are my worst and best days because i'm SO nervous leading up the appointment, preparing myself for the worst, but then as SOON as i hear her sweet heart beat - i'm immediately ELATED and monday becomes a great day!

so, anyway, tomorrow's appointment is with UAB at the complications clinic....we don't know who we'll be seeing, or if we'll see the same dr each time...i guess we'll learn all that tomorrow. i think we're both unsure about this appointment - we have a long list of questions that we want answered for our peace of mind.

i've been thinking for a while about just asking the doctors to go ahead and schedule a due date so that we can look forward to something. we're not sure if the doctors will be open to that suggestion, but it would be easier on me if i knew when something might happen. the unknown is the WORST. (now i just have to sell justin on the idea, i think the delivery and possible truth of the situation scares him - i know it does me!)

So, please be in prayer with us that tomorrow goes well and that these doctors are caring, compassionate, and understanding about our situation and our wants/needs. we're praying for good news and for God to be in the middle of the whole situation.

steel magnolias

2009-01-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

ask anyone that knows me, i mean really knows me and they'll tell you that my favorite movie is Steel Magnolias. during my internship at ASD, i was lucky enough to live in the 'on-campus' apartments with sweet ashleigh, who is just as big Steel Magnolias fan as i am. we'd start reciting lines and wouldn't be able to stop -
"looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket"
"aww, thanks ouiser, nothin' i like better than a good piece of ass"
"in a good shoe i wear a size 6, but a 7 feels so good, i buy a size 8"!!!
(i could go one for days!) anyway, i can just about recite the whole movie, which is some of the reason justin hates to watch it, cause i'm talking with it the whole time and laughing hysterically. if you've not seen this movie, its a 'must see' in my opinion, it depicts such a great southern town -with their crazy group of ladies and the tales of the city!!

anyway, the reason i write about this movie is because in the movie sally fields' character, m'lynn eatenton, loses her daughter to diabetes (julia roberts' character, shelby eatenton latcherie). i know that this scenario is different than what mine is, but she still goes through the grief and pain of losing a child. so since, i've been hit with more 'rough' days recently, i've been reminded of what m'lynn says after shelby's funeral.

i find myself replaying this scene in my head and feeling the exact same way.... i hope you enjoy!!!

M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard! [continues sobbing]
Clairee: Here! [grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: Hit her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?
Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

gifts for mommy and maddox

2009-01-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

ask justin what my favorite flowers are and he'll tell you tulips! i think they are some of the prettiest flowers ever! last friday was not a good day for me, it was a down day for me. luckily, i had made plans with two of my bestest friends, jennifer and stacey (from high school). we were all supposed to go to stacey's new house and have dinner. since i was down and out, i didn't want to go and ruin everyone else's night, but justin encouraged me to go and i'm glad i did. i always have fun 'catching up' with those girls and hearing about their lives. anyway, when i finally made it home that night, i noticed a pitcher (we don't use vases) of these beautiful pink tulips. while i was gone, justin went out and bought me some flowers and made a red velvet cake to cheer me up! justin- you know just the right things to make me happy again. although i may not always show it, i am very thankful for you and for your thoughtfulness!

-if only flowers lasted longer than a few days!!-

are these not the CUTEST things you've ever seen?!?!?! a beautiful, caring, sweet friend/co-worker (who's recently retired ;)) sent me these cute booties and hat! i cannot wait to meet miss maddox and try these on her! karen, thank you so much for thinking of maddie and thank you for your words of encouragement, your friendship, and your advise! enjoy your retirement! we miss you bunches!!! (oh and i still want another copy of your CD!)

who would've thought

2009-01-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

you know, since this journey began only a mere month ago, i have come to realize just how many people i have in my life that CARE. i'm not talking about just an acquaintance, i'm talking about people from my past and present who genuinely care and have concern for me, justin, and my family. we have been overwhelmed with emails, calls, and cards, and even visits from some very dear people. all of whom, offer their time, their cooking abilities, their ears/eyes; people who just want to help. i hear people tell me all the time; i just don't know what to do, i feel helpless...that's just the devil telling you that...i PROMISE, because i really don't expect anyone to know what to say or what to do, but you are doing everything you can to let us know you care and you're praying. your calls/texts/emails/cards speak loudly of your dedication to us and of your support and prayers; which means more to me and justin than anything material you could ever do.

just know that we feel BLESSED and HONORED that God had put you all in our lives, we never could have imagined going through a valley such as this, but with all your support and love, it has lightened the load.

justin and i will never be able to repay you, but know that while you're praying for us, we're also praying for you!

a friend of my mom's (who's also a friend of mine) sent me this poem yesterday and it means a lot, because i know this is what you all are doing. THANK YOU

STANDING IN THE GAP

I heard that you were hurting
That you were suffering pain
But I didn't dare just turn my head
And look the other way
For when your heart is aching
My heart is aching too
Let me help you bear your burden
That's the least that I can do
I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone, somewhere is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you
Right now you may be troubled
But everything will work out fine
For the Spirit knows before you speak
What is on your heart and mind
So I'll be interceding
Til your standing strong again
The peace that passes understanding
Is going to be yours, but until then
I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone, somewhere is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you
So hang on my friend
It won't be long
And you have the strength
To carry on
For when two or three are walking together
It will be a much lighter load
For isn't that what a brother and a sister are for

forever grateful-

loni

"i'm a survivor"

2009-01-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

that's Maddox's theme song, you know that old Destiny's Child song "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make it, i will survive, and keep on survivin'" :)

yesterday, was our last doctor's appointment at st. vincent's.... :( we will REALLY miss dr. hudson and his care for us and for maddie. 'dr. bill' you're the best and i'll tell you that often! we'll be back to see you soon, hopefully with maddox, but if God takes her home, then we'll come see you when we have her little brother or sister!!!

so on to yesterday's appointment- my blood pressure was low (by low, i mean NOT high) it was good. my co-workers tell me its because i didn't work yesterday and had no reason to be stressed! that's probably partially right!! when dr. hudson came in he measured my belly and its measuring 25 cm, which that measurement should be close to how many weeks i am, and i'm 25 weeks!! WOOHOO

the best part of the appointment yesterday was maddie's heart rate it was steady at 147 bpm (beats per minute) when i hear it i just get a huge smile on my face and yesterday, i couldn't help but say, YAY MADDIE and dr. hudson joined with me in that shout!!!

sundays and mondays are not my favorite days, because i know i'm going to the doctor to check on maddie, but i'll tell ya, monday afternoons and tuesdays are GREAT GREAT days! knowing that my little girl is still hanging on and by the grace of God she's getting bigger - that's a great feeling as a mom! (wow, me a -mom-)

so there's a second reason behind the song "i'm a survivor"...yes that's going to be maddox's new motto, but only because her wonderful aunt lacy - permanently burned the lyrics into my head...

picture this if you will - i think it was Summer 2001 and lacy was 8 1/2 months pregnant with emma (my oldest niece), who weighed 10 lbs at birth (you can imagine lacy's belly!) and this was the time when destiny's child was BIG and this song had just come out and it even had a dance with it!!! so here, in my parents' living room, my hilariously goofy sister comes walking through to the kitchen when this song is on the TV and she stops and starts doing the dance (its a version of the running man with arm movements), but to see her belly going up and down and her face was SO serious....WOW, that's a sight i'll never forget.

so aunt lacy, you can keep doing the dance, cause maddox is a survivor!!!

love you lolo and aunt lacy!

prayer requests/ dr. hudson

2009-01-18T18:38:00.000-08:00

so, as i've sent out emails updating everyone on our situation some people have emailed back asking what specifically can they pray for and what do we need - so i'm going to use this time to tell you SPECIFICALLY what we need prayer for - if you are reading our blog because your family, friends, or you just heard our story from someone you know, please, please, join with us and PRAY with us - we've witnessed how powerful prayer is and as christians we know God still works miracles!

What we need prayer for:

-that God would allow maddox to be born alive, we want to be able to hold her and talk to her, regardless if it's for just a few minutes/few hours or longer. we need/want to meet her on this side of heaven

-that God would guide and direct the plans and the hands of the doctors and nurses that are working on our case. we pray that they would know God as their savior and if they don't that we would be a witness to them

-pray for our family and friends who have constantly remembered us by calling, coming to visit, sending cards and emails - pray that their life be blessed by maddox's story and that God would bless them for the sacrifices they've made for us -of their time and talent

-pray for our peace and understanding in the midst of this confusing, heartbreaking time. pray that God would hold us in his hands and give us hope and a purpose

-pray that maddox's life would minister to someone - justin and i are praying that if this tragedy HAS to happen then God would allow something good to come of it. we pray that God would allow maddox's life and story to touch people in a way that only God can ordain.

these are some specifics that i have - i'm sure they'll be more, but that's all for right now. i go back to the doctor tomorrow, the last time to go to St. Vincents, then on the 26th we'll begin going to UAB for "total care" - we are thankful that Dr. Bill Hudson was there that day to see us, when this roller coaster started. we've grown to love him and we are thankful God put us on his load. Dr. Hudson, if you ever get to read this, know that we thank God for you and you will be in our prayers daily. you have been most compassionate and that is something we will never forget.
thank you for treating us like people and acknowledging that maddox is alive and is a person that God created!

these are a few of my favorite things

2009-01-18T17:52:00.000-08:00

this is my mamaw! need your pants hemmed, need a good dinner, need a recipe, advice on an illness - she's the one to ask. wonderful wonderful woman and i love her

this is bradley (cousin -one of the FEW males!) he's a handsome, tall, sweet guy. i'm so very proud of who he's become and i can't wait to see what happens in his life!

this is uncle jeff (ashley and bradley's dad) we have the same eyes and dimples. he's one of the 4 brothers my mom has. uncle jeff is always good for a big hug and an i love you!

this is uncle randy, another one of mom's younger brothers, he's such an encourager and i'm blessed to have family like this!

aunt susan, aunt rhonda, and mom - beautiful, smart, christian ladies - who love unconditionally

me and my papa maddox - (where my maddox gets her name) he's such a wise man. he gives advice and listens to problems and makes OUTRAGEOUS food! there's no one like my papa

me and lauren (one of my many cousins!) she's a teacher too, finally someone i can share my frustrations and stories with.....she's awesome

me and ashley (cousin) - someone that's always there for me, no matter what. such a kind spirit who is NICE to everyone! ; ) justin and i love seeing ashley and chase. she's a teacher too, a collaborative teacher - she's in special education too, she has a heart for kids and it shows!

me and brandye (cousin) - wasn't until recently that brandye and i started really talking and keeping up with each other, but i'm really glad we did!!! she's the nurse in the family and from what i hear she's great at her job.

anna kate - such a sweet baby with a sweet smile

ella reid -independent girl, with an infectious laugh

ava grace - sweet little girl that loves her emo

emma -(emo) such a smart, silly 7 year old

these 4 girls mean the world to me. maddox is such a lucky, lucky girl to have cousins like these! everytime justin and i get a chance to hang out and play with our nieces we have such a good time! i hope they know how much their noni and uncle justin love and care about them. they brighten our days!!!!

these are a few recent pictures of some of my favorite people.....in no particular order (and some of my favorite people aren't seen here - just incase you don't see your picture!!!)

oh what a mighty God we serve

2009-01-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

yesterday at work i sent out an update on maddie telling everyone how the doctor's appointment went and of course i got a lot of replies telling me that they were praying for us and they were excited we had good news.

one of my co-workers replied with a story she found on the internet about a girl named Sabrina - her story is AMAZING and gives us such HOPE. I hope you take time to read Sabrina's story, she is truly a miracle and God does have a plan for her life.

As you read her story, join with me in praying for her life and her story, praying for her parents and family. God is so good and His plan is perfect and has purpose. Also, as you read this, please continue to pray for Maddie. We are praying for a miracle in Maddie's life and we know God's will, will be done His glory will be shown.

Sabrina is my first child. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was excited and nervous, like most mothers. At about 17 weeks, bloodwork showed a one in 160 chance of Down’s Syndrome. We figured it was probably nothing, but we went for a level 2 ultrasound. The level 2 showed a large amount of cerebral fluid, possible heart defects, and very delayed growth, so we then knew that this wasn’t a “normal” pregnancy. A genetics counselor advised us to get an amnio done that day, but we declined. We already knew that we would keep our baby as long as we could and we didn’t want the risk of the amnio. My husband and I had both been around special needs kids and just loved ‘em, but we didn’t know much about medical problems. The news for us was sobering, but we also had a strong faith in God and knew that He had something in mind for our child and for us.
I had a few more level 2 ultrasounds that continued to show bad news. At 25 weeks, I did finally have an amnio so we would know how to prepare for the birth, whether to plan for surgeries, etc. The doctor called us with the crushing blow – 69XXX, triploidy – fatal. He said to expect to miscarry. We sat by the bank of a river for a long time that day and prayed and cried together.
I decided to do my best to have a good pregnancy for my daughter, for however long it lasted. I was working part-time, so I rested some every day and tried to eat well. Since we knew she was so small, I wanted her to have anything available that she needed to grow. I also tried to keep a positive outlook, even though just “waiting” to miscarry is obviously very emotionally difficult. I tried to find a balance between feeling and letting go of my own grief and wanting to provide lots of happy hormones circulating through my body for her. I wanted her to feel that I was happy to be pregnant with her. My husband and I went on slow walks together to relax and watched funny movies so we could laugh together. During this time, we also “adopted” an abandoned baby kitten and it was nice to have something small and furry to care for.
We chose not to tell most people about the “bad news” with our pregnancy, although we did confide in family and close friends who were mostly out of town. I just didn’t want to hear (or have my baby hear), “Oh, I’m so sorry,” from people at work and in the community. I wanted to enjoy the pregnancy and have happy, positive comments about it because that was all I would have. To us, it felt uncomfortable to talk or think too much about a funeral while our baby was still alive, although we did try to prepare ourselves emotionally and spiritually for that event looming in our tomorrows. Our greatest strength came from prayer and our trust in God. We knew He would help us get through whatever lay ahead for us.
I didn’t feel Sabrina move during the pregnancy, with one exception. On Mother’s Day, she did one or two complete somersaults! It was such a happy day of the pregnancy! Since I couldn’t feel her move normally, we went doctor visit to doctor visit hoping to hear her heartbeat and know that she was still there. Our doctor was an hour an a half away, so we had a lot on anxiety on the way there and a lot of relief on the way home.
As the pregnancy advanced, we had a strong desire to hold our little girl and see her alive for even a very short time. Our family all fasted and prayed with us for that hope. We begged the Lord to give us 10 minutes even. I had a wonderful doctor who said he would be willing to do a c-section if I requested it, although he could not advise it medically. I was really scared of a c-section, but I decided to do it anyway. Sabrina was also breach, so I didn’t think there was any chance she could survive a vaginal delivery.
To our joy, I made it to 38 weeks without a miscarriage! We headed off for the hospital for my scheduled c-section with some anxiety (how could I ever deal with the loss of my baby?) and also with some gratitude (how blessed we were to still have our baby at 38 weeks). The only baby items we had purchased were two receiving blankets. I had never imagined that we might need any more than that. My mother had sewn a beautiful white burial gown and my mother-in-law had sewn a beautiful white burial blanket. All of our parents and siblings were able to meet us at the hospital and be there for that special day when Sabrina arrived. We were so grateful for their love and support.
Sabrina Lynn Cox was born on July 1, 2002. She has full triploidy, 69XXX, and to our great surprise and amazement, she stayed not just 10 minutes, but much much longer. She is our miracle and a daily reminder to us that with God, nothing is impossible. At this writing, Sabrina is 5 years old and her health is generally stable. She is a loving, sweet, gentle, content little girl. It is hard to describe how much we love her and the feeling that she adds to our family. We love her smile and her wonderful Sabrina hugs.
Our modern technology can tell us many things about a baby before he or she is born, (our level 2 ultrasound could even tell us that Sabrina’s fourth finger would be slightly longer than her third finger) but technology cannot reveal the future. Doctors may tell you what they predict based on science, but only God knows what He has planned for your child and what will actually happen. Ultrasounds cannot tell you about the strength of the human soul and the desires of an unborn child. I have always tried to trust in God, but also in Sabrina and her ability to live her own life how she desires. We still don’t know how long she will live, of course, but then again, none of us really know how long we’ll be around, do we?
If you would like to learn more about Sabrina, you may visit her web page at triploidy.t35.com. I hope that hearing about her story will be a help and a comfort to others. To all parents who have lost infants to triploidy, our heart goes out to you and I hope you may feel that she is your miracle too, not just ours.

little fighter

2009-01-12T17:17:00.000-08:00

had another appointment today. i was very worried and anxious about going this afternoon, things at work have been stressful and not fun, so i was worried that by blood pressure would be HIGH and they would keep me! it also didn't help much when 2 students got in a fight in the hall and i was there to fuss at them and separate them.....i just knew my BP was high after that...(i'm known as the mean teacher at school! i love that!! :))

so got the appt, luckily my BP had come down and Dr. Hudson found Maddie's heartbeat FAST!!! I was excited, her heart rate was 148 BPM (beats per minute). i know i'm a little partial because i'm her momma, but my little girl is a FIGHTER and she's hangin' in there for me! she knows i need her here as long as God allows. so no more worrying for today, i know she's safe. i go back next monday (MLK day) for another check up!

yesterday, justin and i went to lunch with our sunday school teachers after church and we had such a good time. it was a good time of fellowship and a good time of venting with a person who understands and knows what it's like to lose a baby. :(

so, thanks ashley and bryan - we appreciate your listening ear and the warm welcome we got when we joined FBCT.

ily

2009-01-11T19:01:00.001-08:00

he loves me, he loves maddie, he loves my nieces, my family and his family.

i love him and there is no one else i'd rather spend my time with.

*he also loves using what sign he knows, he knows this sign WELL! :)*